I’ve held back on sharing this for a while - because, as they say, you don’t easily advise someone who’s in love. But here we are. 😂
A few days ago, I was having a conversation with some acquaintances who came to visit. These are women in their 30s and 40s, with teenage children and full lives, and we briefly wandered into the topic of marriage. One of them mentioned she got married at 23 and is now encouraging her 19-year-old to consider marrying early as well. I loved the spirit of that - and gently added that she should also help her daughter know what to look for in the right person.
That got me thinking.
If you ask many people who their ideal partner is, they’ll often describe a picture - an image, maybe even a specific type of person - but struggle to name the elements that actually make that person right for them. They know the vibe. They don’t always know the criteria.
So I want to share seven things I believe you should look out for before you say yes to forever. Check these boxes before you go ahead. Your future self will thank you for it.
Shall we?
Marriage is one of the most significant decisions you will ever make - second only, I’d argue, to the decision to follow Jesus. Beyond chemistry, butterflies, and attraction, here are seven things worth prayerfully considering:
1. They fear and love God — genuinely.
Not just someone who attends church or quotes Scripture fluently, but someone whose decisions, character, and daily life reflect actual reverence for God. A God-fearing person is accountable to a standard higher than themselves — and higher than you. That matters more than you think. If they truly fear and love the Lord, you’re not just gaining a partner; you’re gaining someone who will point you back to God even when life gets heavy.
2. They are kind — not just to you, but to people.
Observe how they treat family members, colleagues, waiters, security guards, children, strangers, and people who cannot do anything for them. Kindness that is reserved exclusively for a romantic partner is not kindness. It’s a performance. And when you ignore those early signs, you will eventually see the real show — and it won’t be the one you auditioned for.
3. Your values and convictions align on the things that matter.
Conversations about faith, family, finances, children, integrity, conflict resolution, and purpose should not be postponed until after the proposal. Love may bring two people together, but shared values are what help them stay together.
My partner and I started having early, intentional conversations about our faith and which church we’d worship in together; family — how many children we wanted and what kind of home we were building; finances — our money habits, our views on debt and investment; and accountability — who we could go to, who could speak into our lives. These weren’t just nice conversations. They shaped how we built our relationship and ultimately informed whether we were ready to go the distance.
4. There is alignment in purpose and calling.
This was a non-negotiable for us, because we both came into the relationship with a clear sense of who we were and what we were building toward. You don’t have to be doing the same work, but you should deeply understand and actively support each other’s calling. Marriage thrives when two people are moving in the same direction — building a shared vision while also flourishing as individuals.
I once shared something significant about my work with someone I was close to, and his response was complete disinterest. That was the sign I needed. Don’t trade purpose alignment for convenience or comfort.
For women especially, this one carries particular weight. When you see women who lose themselves after marriage or childbearing, purpose misalignment is often at the root of it. If you have honest conversations about your roles in each other’s lives and assignments early enough, it becomes a foundation — not a source of friction later.
5. They are submitted to wise counsel and mentorship.
Nobody has everything figured out. A person who is teachable, accountable, and open to correction demonstrates humility — and that’s one of the most important qualities in a lifelong partner. It’s a green flag when someone has people in their life who can speak hard truth to them.
If your potential spouse has no active mentor or accountability figure — someone you can actually reach — pay close attention to that. I’m not talking about someone whose spiritual father is a bishop they’ve never had a real conversation with. I mean someone you could call if things went sideways, someone whose voice they would actually receive.
If you marry someone that no one can talk to, you will not be able to either. And you will have chosen a complicated life.
6. They are emotionally, financially, and physically responsible.
Perfection isn’t the standard — but stability matters. Can they regulate their emotions? Do they handle money with some wisdom and intentionality? Do they take their health seriously?
These are not surface-level questions. What do they do when they receive bad news? How do they behave when they’re angry or disappointed? What is their relationship with debt? What do they think about gambling or get-rich-quick schemes? Do they know their family medical history? Marriage does not automatically resolve instability. In fact, it tends to amplify whatever was already there.
7. Watch who they are when life gets difficult.
Character is revealed under pressure — not during the honeymoon phase. Pay attention to how they handle disappointment, conflict, delays, failure, and correction. These moments tell you more than the good times ever will.
When pressure enters a marriage — and it will — the couples who struggle most are often those who never talked about how they would handle difficulty together. Not because they were pretending to be happy before, but because they skipped the conversation entirely.
If things got hard — unemployment, financial strain, unmet needs, seasons of lack — what would you do? What is the plan? What is the shared commitment for getting back on your feet? If things didn’t improve quickly, would they stay and work through it or withdraw? This is a whole conversation on its own, and the absence of it has quietly ended more marriages than most people realise.
Marriage is too important to be built on feelings alone. Between “can you be my girlfriend?” and “will you be my wife?” or “will you be my husband?” there are a lot of necessary conversations, careful observations, and prayerful decisions. The problem is that many people skip the substance of that process and fill the space with activity instead — excitement, aesthetics, momentum.
Pray. Observe. Ask the hard questions. Seek wise counsel. Give time the room to do its work. The right decision isn’t simply about finding someone you love — it’s about finding someone you can build a godly, purposeful, and healthy life with.
A few more things I want to say before I close:
The fact that you got pregnant does not mean you must marry that person. The deed has been done — but these considerations still apply. Don’t make a lifelong decision out of guilt or pressure.
The fact that you’ve been together for a long time does not mean you must end up together either. When my husband and I decided we were ready to get married last year, I went back into prayer as if I were meeting him for the first time. I asked questions, revisited his views, looked for growth. Time truly does reveal character — but people can be strategic about what they show when they know they’re being watched. So keep asking questions, even when you think you know the answers.
During our marriage counselling interview at church, the moment our interviewer heard we had dated for over seven years, she immediately asked, “I hope that’s not the reason you want to get married.” That question made me genuinely happy. Because when people hear a long number, the temptation is to ask, “Why aren’t you married yet?” — as though time is the qualification.
When we both explained why we felt the timing was right, I could see her relief. And honestly, it confirmed for me that we were in the right church.
What most people didn’t see was that in 2023, we went through a long-distance season that brought me close to ending the relationship. I genuinely felt we were too far apart — emotionally and physically — and I wasn’t sure I could hold it together. I spoke to our mentors and my mother about it. After they spoke with us both, everyone could see there was still something worth working through. I, however, was not immediately convinced. 😂
My mother, who loves my husband like her own son, kept saying: “If that’s what you feel is right for you, please go ahead.” Nobody was arguing me out of it. They were ready to support whatever I decided. 😂
What I didn’t know then was that I hadn’t seen anything yet.
Law school arrived in 2024. Then I had to travel to another continent. The long distance of 2023 was actually preparation - and I didn’t know it at the time. 😂
I say all of this to say: nothing is worth trading your peace of mind, what God is saying to you, and what you genuinely can and cannot live with. Results will vary. Apply with wisdom.
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