In every relationship, you must come to terms with the fact that you will have difficult conversations.
Say statements like
I hear you, please continue
I see how that hurt you. I really want us to work on that issue
I know this is hard for you to express; Please continue.
I hear you and I understand your need. I want us to find a way that works for both of us.
Thanks for sharing your feelings, needs and thoughts.
If you go into a relationship and it takes a long while before marriage, it is likely that you begin to feel pressure from different quarters. You begin to hear questions like "Why did you go into a relationship when you knew it would take this long to get married?"
When this happens,
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It is very possible to have the tall, dark and handsome wish for a perfect partner. Your wish could be a fair, slim or fleshly endowed lady. But what happens if you do not find your spec? Would you go with anything you find or try to change your partner?
If you are "lucky" to fall in the category of what you ordered versus what you got, there are probably many reasons why you had to stick to your partner as the option for your relationship. But it is never really a bad idea. Change is a constant feature in every man's life and every individual is flexible to change. However, there are certain things that you may be unable to change. How do you live with your partner in this?
Your beliefs and opinion matters. If you can live with the differences and adapt to the absence of the physical and behavioural features in your partner, it is a very good position as there is always a point of compromise for matters like this in every relationship. However, if you cannot adapt, it is also fine to take a break off. The popular saying is that "a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage". At the same time, it is also very possible to work on a change in your partner or yourself.
The problem at this point is that many people are too focused on changing their partners rather than looking inwardly to see how they can improve. While it is necessary for your partner to be open and flexible to change, you cannot and should not force your partner to change. Understanding should come in handy so you know who should bend for the other. This is that point of compromise.
The power of the eye is in its ability to love by sight. Also, change in most relationships occur in the physical, behavioural and emotional modes. These three modes are also responsible for the "spec" we build up in our minds as regards a partner. In many cases, building this spec in mind is a result of attraction to an individual - physically, behaviourally or emotionally. Your partner could dislike eating out and yet be a tall, dark and handsome guy (physical) who loves God and likes to spend fun time with orphanage children and hospital patients (emotional). In this case, you are attracted to him by emotions and physical attributes. In another case, she could dislike calls and prefer texts (behavioural), but she is still the dark skinned beauty you always liked. All of these form different sides, especially because attraction does not show the negative sides in the first place. Attraction only puts what you desire amd want on the table.
Just as our taste changes over time, preferences for whom should occupy space as your partner changes. At the primary school level you once had a crush on a lady or guy in class based on certain qualities... When you fast forward to junior secondary, you find some other crush... And again at the university level. Ordinarily too, a basic change in environment amongst other factors can necessitate
If change is constant, how do I manage
What then should I place as criteria to choosing my life partner? - Not Looks, Not Wealth, Not the paint but the strength of the building
As an individual, you must know that in you lies the power to change and be the best version of yourself. This is one of the best ways to love your partners; by being your best and doing your best for your partner. By doing this, you become adapt to changes where possible and reach a compromise with your partner where change seems difficult. You also control how successful your relationship is, knowing that the success or failure of your relationship is 50% in your hands. Partners should help one another adjust to certain changes. You could encourage your partner to hit the gym or drop off some habits - it's all in the change process. You two will definitely become specs for each other this way.
PS: Attached to this is an audio letter by Della (featuring Nelson). We discussed about changing habits in a relationship and conforming to your partner's spec.
Click the button below to listen.
If you have had to deal with a matter arising in your relationship, kindly share how you handled it
Who says apologizing makes you weaker in your relationship?
Whether you admit it or not, apologizing can never be a sign of weakness in a relationship, because you can only apologize if you’ve really got the guts and courage to confront him or her. However, there are some people, who you will probably know of, that are just in the habit of apologizing because they feel that their relationship is at stake. I believe it is not wrong to keep apologizing just for the sake of saving your relationship.
When we speak of who is to say “sorry” in a relationship, it is very important to always remind yourself that nobody on this earth is perfect. We will have one flaw or the other and it is absolutely OK to make mistakes and offend our partners at one point in time or the other (it should eventually result to a proof that you both are compatible)
A supporting quote from a certain love and relationship expert confirms what I am saying in essence: “Apologizing does not always mean that you have done wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your own ego”.
Actually, it is a very tricky thing to accomplish when you apologize, knowing fully well that you have done nothing wrong at all.
Sometimes, it will be very obvious that your partner or spouse is the one at fault. But with the mentality of “This is not all about me, this is not all about him, it’s about us. ” Then you will understand that there are some situations that you will need to be the one saying “Its okay, I’m sorry about everything”. Such understanding must have gotten you to be reading this article.
Well, I will confirm to you based on personal experience in my previous relationship that the manner which you apologize, guilty or not, just your decision to apologize will definitely determine whether you will be forgiven or not. An apology without forgiveness or reunion is nothing. It is better not to have even apologized in the beginning. If the apology does not sound sincere, chances are they will not be accepted at all.
The subsequent consequences of your relationship, courtship or marriage could be so tough. But trust me, your inability to apologize to your spouse when needed can also aid even a tougher consequence.
So your partner keeps falsely accusing you of something you actually did not do or know nothing about? And you just feel like this is a mess, like you are under a very disturbed attack?.
Those words of apologies fail to escape from your lips? And you feel that this is all about you alone. No sweetheart, it has got something to do with the interest of your relationship.
There may be a need for you to be the storm calmer. You may need to be the one to apologize. This could be the best and simple way to get going in your relationship, to prevent it from hitting a snag.
Now, I want you to understand that there is a large story to play. Do not put yourself under unwarranted pressure, guilt or blame. You are only doing it because there is every need to. It is not all about buying the best red flowers, shedding tears or simply saying “sorry” in a best-structured way. It has to be sincere.
There are some ways you can apologize even when you have done nothing wrong.
Why apologize, anyway?
There are numerous reasons why you should be the one making a sincere apology when you have done nothing wrong.
When you apologize, you help the other person acknowledge that he or she has engaged in an unacceptable behaviour. It paves the way for your partner’s willingness to admit his or her mistakes and gives an opportunity to encourage sound communication between both of you.
In a way, your apology can help in the rebuilding of trust and reestablishing of that connection you have with the other person.
Far worse, If the situation of “who did wrong? ” had drained the rhapsodical conversations between you both, your apology automatically opens a dialogue between yourself and the other person.
What is more, when you help the other person admit that the situation was nobody’s fault by apologizing, you are restoring dignity to yourself, the one who is hurt.
Your apology when you have done nothing wrong shows that you are taking responsibility. It makes you feel a sense of relief and unveils that matured side of you when it comes to handling betrayal.
Of course, I can agree with you if you say that your partner must apologize for his or her wrongdoings, it’s highly expected. But look, If your apology is the only thing that can possibly hearten your now-deterring relationship, then DO IT. So long as you value such a relationship. You know, not everyone has the same stand like you.
Undeniably, I understand that apologizing when you are not wrong may seem irksome and difficult. But have you ever wondered why apologies are difficult?. Some people feel that they will be full of shame and embarrassment over the actions that can not bring themselves to the face of their partner. But the truth is, apologies requires courage, whether guilty or not guilty. It may seem to put you in a vulnerable position when you admit that you are the one who has done wrong.
In most cases, it opens you up to more false blame and attack. This is a reason why some people struggle to show this courage to apologize even when they are innocent. But there are ways; psychologically proven ways that you can apologize even when you are not wrong. It is just to make peace and ensure things are smooth as before. Here are a few ways to apologise when you are not wrong.
Putting things off for a very long time only gives space for anger and grudge to grow. Sometimes, your partner was wrong and you were a little wrong too. It is also important for you to play a bigger role by being the bigger person in this issue, accept the negative aspect of the situation in order to proceed, then apologize. When you both discuss, later on, you can eventually pour out your mind to your partner how he or she had made you feel. You have to take the stance to bite the bullet and apologize. The likelihood is that your partner will do the same thing for you.
No matter who is at fault, you have to exercise your listening skills when you want to apologize for what you have not done. Why? In a situation where you need to apologize, the other person will surely have some different feelings about the same situation on ground, in contrast to yours. Hearing is different from listening. I have heard people say ” I’ve heard all that he has to say, there is no point apologizing”. I’ve also heard people say “I’ve listened to him,I think we need to settle our differences”. Yeah, when you listen and not just hear, you tune in (using your mental focus), putting yourself in your partner’s shoe and acknowledge that you understood what they said. It is time for you to listen to what they have to say first like it is your job. No interruption, no disagreement. Listen first, and then apologizing becomes easier.
So sometimes ago, you and your spouse agreed to go to the movies at 9pm. And after waiting for two hours, he called that it should be postponed. Now you feel disappointed as it was a big deal to you, his apologies had no effect, you got a little bit mad and decided to take rough reactions. After several potholes, you just decided to apologize for something he had started in the beginning. After a couple of weeks, same thing happened and you took same rough action and kept on willingly apologizing for what you did not actually start. What is the essence of an apology when your actions do not speak with it?. Your action in this situation will speak louder than words. If you do not follow through, you have crossed the line into deterring your partner’s trust. Let your action speak too. It is part of you playing the bigger role.
Before you apologise, take a very good time to think things over. You need to understand what the other person has done, why it was done, and what is has caused on your relationship. Why does it upset you so much that you find it hard to apologize? , except your partner has done something knee-jerk which demands immediate apology. If you do not go into your apology with a clear head, you could just start with a fit of residual anger or resentment and make it even worse. Think things over, whether it is just a little wrong or a major relationship crime that takes time to be sorted out.
If you’re concerned that your words won’t come out right when you apologize, write down what you want to say, and then role-play the conversation with a trusted friend or colleague. However, don’t practice so much that your apology sounds rehearsed.
Once it’s time to do the deed, you have to do things right, which means you have to get into full-on apology mode. No phones. No text apologies. No TV in the background. Just you, your partner, and some real eye contact. And then you just have to apologize. Say, “I’m sorry I…” and explain what you’re apologizing. This will kick start the discussion and open the door for you both to share your feelings.
When you are apologizing, you will be tempted to explain your actions. This may be useful, but from personal experience, explanations are often seen as excuses, and these can weaken your apology. Don’t shift part of the blame onto someone or something else in an attempt to reduce or elude responsibility.
Here is an example of using excuses in an apology:
I’M SORRY THAT I SNAPPED AT YOU WHEN YOU BARGED INTO MY OFFICE YESTERDAY. I WAS SO BUSY AND MY BOSS DEMANDED MY PROJECT REPORT AN HOUR EARLIER THAN PLANNED.
In this particular case, you excuse your behavior because of stress, and you imply that the other person was at fault because he bothered you on a busy day and barged into your office. This makes you look weak.
