Who Should Say Sorry First in a Relationship?
Ever thought about why some issues get unsolved in a relationship- issues that could have been solved in a bit but lead to the ruin of the whole relationship. EGO! O yes, we all have egos, male and female, we do. There are times when we all feel like our partner doesn’t just understand. I mean, you are trying to state a point but he just doesn’t seem to get the point and this pisses you off. You try to make her see that you are right and she was wrong, that she made a very wrong assumption, but she is not even getting the point and this leads to feelings of anger, fear, resentment, jealousy, insecurity, and all other negative feelings.
Darling, all these happen as a result of ego. We all have to learn how to control our ego because if we leave it unchecked, it can cause tremendous turmoil in our relationship. I became so confused the day something as small as a greeting ruined a friend’s relationship. Of course, it couldn’t have been just a greeting, I mean what life does a greeting have in it to ruin a relationship of two years. So, it all started with a discussion of who is supposed to greet first when they meet, Tomiwa always greeted Kunle first when they meet, while Kunle feels like the guy in the relationship and just says a cool “hi, how are you?” it happened that Tomiwa got tired of the way she has to always run over to Kunle to greet him- he never greets her first, she feels like she is not valued. Then she decided to talk about it one night just 5 days before their second year together. Long story short, Kunle feels like he will be belittling himself to first greet his girl- she tries to make him see reasons he should consider doing it once in a while but he didn’t agree to any of those reasons. At last, the whole thing crashed, why? Kunle will never greet first and Tomiwa has decided to go on a greeting break. That became the end of their love story.
The moment you chose not to take responsibility for your mistakes, you have started opening doors for problems to creep into your relationship. Saying “sorry” means that you have chosen your relationship over your ego. Yet so many of us find it super hard to apologize and admit that we are at fault. Social psychologists have stated that an apology leads to forgiveness which can recover a spoiled relationship and may heal indignity. Apologizing is super essential because it helps to soothe all the frictions caused by a conflict in a relationship and build a connection between couples. When you apologize for your wrongs not only will peace reign but there will be an increase in the level of trust between you and your partner.
When you are sorry, mean it. “With every ounce of apology, there has to be ample sincerity.” Lolonyo (Nurturing Bliss).
“Deep regret goes further than just saying you are sorry. Deep regret says that if I could turn the clock back, and if I could do anything about it, I would have liked to have avoided it.” F.W. de Klerk.
This is to say that when you apologize you do that by recognizing that you have wronged your partner and that you never had the intention of doing that. Be true about how you feel, what made you do what you did, and truly let them know that you will avoid situations like that in the future. For example, say “I am sorry I suddenly stopped replying to you last night, I didn’t mean to leave you on blue ticks, I fell asleep.” As much as you might want to think that sleeping off during a chat is just nature's call and not your fault, your apologizing will show that you didn’t mean to ignore the person.
A lot of us just also want to say sorry passively while not taking responsibility for our actions. This is bad. It is only right to own up to one’s mistake and not try to be defensive about it.
The manner and timing are not only as important as sincerity but they should be carefully chosen. This will aid the way the apology goes and how it will be taken in by your partner. It is important to choose a time that both of you are free to talk and do well to also get rid of all distractions and make sure that your body language doesn’t speak something different from what you mean. But why the worry about how to sincerely apologize when the real thing is to figure out who is apologize
first- it might just interest you to know that it would be as bad as not knowing who to apologize first if you don’t know how to apologize in the right way.
So, back to the question of who should go first. There is a need for us to know that in a relationship, there are times you have to make sacrifices and compromise just so that you can have peace in your relationship. There is no way to sugarcoat this, there are times when even when you are right about a particular situation, you just need to be a mature person and just apologize for peace to reign so that the atmosphere will be at ease and effective communication and understanding will take place. The truth is that it can be really hard to apologize for something that you didn’t do in the first place but when you look at the reason for you being together and you think about what truly is at stake, you will surely consider apologizing. Take Tomiwa and Kunle for example- in the process of telling Kunle that she doesn’t feel like she is valued or loved in the relationship, she might have yelled and nagged about it. The truth is Kunle might be at fault, but the moment Tomiwa noticed that things weren’t going well, she could have also admitted that she said somethings that are wrong and that could have wronged Kunle and apologized for them then think of the best way to put the whole situation out at that moment or later- she could have been the matured person. But they chose to not see through the whole situation.
In no way should this be a gender-sensitive matter- as long as you recognize that you need peace, go for it.
Never let your ego set in, be the bigger person. Save your relationship from avoidable stress.
Who should say sorry first? The more mature one should say sorry first.