Privacy in a Relationship

Have you ever thought of having privacy in your relationship? Is privacy even allowed in a relationship- whether courting or married?

 At certain points in our life and our relationship, we all want that alone time which might seem to our partner as if we are hiding something. This request might get them worked up that they might even start to feel insecure. The truth that we all know is that “too much of everything is bad.” How then will you know if you are getting overly worried about your partner asking for privacy or you asking for too much privacy?

There is a thin line between privacy and secrecy. Let’s see what both of them means:

According to the English dictionary:

 Privacy 

-The state of being secluded from

Presence, sight, or knowledge of others.

Secrecy

-Concealment; the condition of being secret or hidden.

Secret 

-A piece of knowledge that is

Hidden or intended to be kept hidden.

Too much privacy can be said to be secrecy. Too little privacy on the other hand can lead to relational claustrophobia.

Privacy and secrecy are closely related siblings, but privacy is definitely needed as humans- it is a basic human need. Without a private life, we possibly cannot shut out the world, withdraw from our social life and get to discover who we are and who we can be-when nobody is observing us.

Secrecy on the other hand is intentionally hiding information from someone. We can say that secrecy is characterized by the feelings of shame because we feel bad about that act that we committed, fear because we are afraid that letting out what we have done thinking it will lead to the loss of our loved ones- especially our partner, guilt because of what people will say about us, weakness because we feel what happened might be used against us later, and so much more. If you are feeling shame or fear or guilt about any particular thing you are not sharing with your spouse, chances are that you are being secretive not private.

For example, “I watch pornography and I have some part of my sex life that I haven’t told you about…” would be a secret if you are hiding it from your partner for the fear of losing or upsetting him or her.

Why Should I Have a Private Life or Privacy in My Relationship…

Like I stated above, privacy is a basic human need. Without privacy we cannot truly know our self. In a relationship or marriage, your privacy has to be shared with your partner and children (if any). Without a private life, you and your partner will lose yourself. In the early stages of a relationship - during the honeymoon stage there is a merging of you and your partner to become one tightly close entity. You form a bond so close that you go from ‘me to we’. It is no news that merging is an essential part of falling in love.

However, there is a time where you move out of the honeymoon stage into the crisis stage, at this point, staying merged with each other becomes a very big issue. In other to have a good relationship, having a private life is essential. Having a private life is the healthy expression of your personal boundaries.

Apart from this having a private life helps you to think and make decisions for your personal life. Every now and then you need to free yourself and your partner by giving each other space to do the things you loved doing. Privacy looks like this: Michael gets back from work and Janet has been waiting to tell him how her day went and seeing Michael, Janet started her story in excitement, but after couple of minutes, he asks her to give him time to rest and think about what went on in his own day. Of course, this would not have been a problem if it had not happened consistently for a week. Now Janet thinks Michael is seeing someone else, and lack of trust sets in. Only if Janet would understand that Michael only needed time to be alone and get something straight, and only if Michael would understand the importance of effective communication in every relationship. 

Did I in any way say privacy can lead to disaster? Yes!

At every point in a relationship, it is essential that both partners communicate effectively.

See:Tips for Effective Communication 

When it comes to privacy, it is essential to let your partner know what it is that you really want so that you won’t leave them confused or let them start assuming. Some people have some things that are super personal to them, these things are for them alone (even though they are in a relationship). Some individuals will never let you go through the messages on their phones, some would get super upset if they find you going through their journals. This does not make them secretive neither does it make them a bad person, it is just that they hold these things in high esteem and would feel naked if someone goes through them (I have heard people say they feel this way).

Is this supposed to eat into your relationship? No!

That is why there is a need for effective communication, if you don’t like your partner going through your stuff or asking you over and over again if you have done what you said you will do or calling you when you are out to confirm if you are where you said you were going to? then let them know that you don’t like it. On the other hand, if your partner said to you that he or she doesn’t like you going through his or her phone, no matter how much you want to think they are hiding something from you, try not to. That is the time to trust them no matter what.

In every relationship trust is essential.

Is it good or bad to tell your partner some things that they do not know about your past?

Without naming anything good or bad, I will say it essential that your partner knows everything that goes on with you, good or bad, this does not equate to you being totally in their face all the time. This just means building trust and transparency. When you tell your partner about something that happened to you, there is a very high tendency that they love, respect and trust you even more, because they feel like you opening up to them means that they mean so much to you. Never always assume that if you tell your partner something, they automatically would hate you for it, I am not saying it will go well all the time, there might be times where they would have to internalize the information you gave them and that might take a while but give them ample time- they will come around.

The best ways to discuss sensitive issues with your partner is to:

• talk it when they are not in a bad mood or when they are tired

• talk about it when they are less busy or when they are not doing the fun stuff that they love to do

• talk about it in a very sincere way such that they are not feeling that you are still hiding something

• talk about it with the right facial expressions and tone

 

If you are able to this, things should go well. Don’t forget to pray and tell God to take control too. Transparency is key, hiding something from your partner only for them to find out somewhere else will not only hurt or break them but it will make them loose the trust they had in you. However, when talking about sensitive things with your partner, it is important to know that has much has you want to be sincere you are also given only needed information and not extreme ones that can hurt them. Example, it is ok to tell your partner that you have a crush on your boss but too much to tell your partner that you like your boss because, he is tall and handsome and he has a deep and sexy voice. If your partner doesn’t ask for the details, kindly stick to the fact and truth, make it short.

Albeit, transparency is key and essential in every relationship, there are still some things that you should key away from your partner, at least for the main time:

• Surprises

• Another person’s secret that you are not to disclose

• Your nakedness (if you are not married)

Conclusion

Privacy is needed in every relationship, but secrecy is like a cancer in a relationship. Both partners should communicate effectively their boundaries to each other (if any) and each one of them should trust the other. Transparency is key in your relationship, there is no need to hide anything, just be wise about it and tell your partner.