Book Review: The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
The Five Love Languages for Couples by Gary Chapman.
I am sure you are either feeling excited as I am because you have read the book and you know the greatness embedded in the pages of this book or you are wondering what could the book be all about, if it will help you at all or if you even need it.
Just stay tuned into our community blog and let's unveil the goodness in this ageless resource of love.
This book review is going to take about 8 weeks. 8 weeks? I know... This is to help us digest and understand well all that this book has to offer.
All said, let us do a tiny part of the work today.
I have the hard copy of the book and I must say, the production is really good.
The lettering, fonts, paper texture and smell are all nice (I know you are wondering why I mentioned smell, I love the smell of hard copy books and I am sure that most people that love hard copy do too). It is also very handy.
The author, Gary Chapman is the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants. Inc. He travels the world presenting seminars and his audio programs airs on more than 100 station (that is a whole lot).
He is married to Karolyn J. Chapman. They have two adult children, Shelley and Derek. He is also the senior associate pastor at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
Gary Chapman has written other great books like:
♦The Five Love Languages Men's Edition
♦The Five Love Languages Gift Edition
♦The Five Love Languages of
♦The Five Love Languages of Teenagers
♦The Five Love Languages for Singles
♦Your Gift of Love
♦Parenting Your Adult Child
♦The Other Side of Love
♦Five Signs of a loving Family
♦Toward a Growing Marriage
♦Hope for the Seperated
Wow... What a living content he is.
Another thing I love about this book is that it has been translated into 49 other languages apart from English meaning, this book is for all.
In this book, The Five Love Languages- he speaks about the different ways though which people express love. He called them The 5 love languages.
♥Words of Affirmation
♥Acts of Service
He explained how people not speaking the love language of their partner has caused a lot of harm in marriages.
After talking about each love language he also spoke about different people and couples can discover their own love language.
In the first three chapters of the book.
The first chapter of the book is titled WHAT HAPPENS TO LOVE AFTER THE WEDDING
In this chapter, the author was able to discuss the concept of speaking different languages and how it can cause commotion in our different relationships.
He made an example of the different languages in the area of love where he said "Your emotional love language and the love language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other". Now imagine that.
Differences in language does not only occur with couples, it is also in a great way one of the determining factors of a child's growth and self perception. A child that grows up feeling loved by his parents and people around him will develop a healthy emotional love language. Reverse will be the case of a child that didn't feel loved while growing up.
One thing that I learnt while reading this chapter is that no matter what our primary language is, we can always learn to speak a secondary language so as to be able to communicate with our partner.
The title and the chapter came from the authors years of counseling couples. The question- What Happens To Love After The Wedding always popped up directly or indirectly from different couples and thus is because they didn't understand the concept of speaking their partners emotional love language.
Moving on to Chapter 2- KEEPING THE LOVE TANK FULL.
in this chapter the author discussed what love means to different people and how that one word can cause a lot of confusion. Far from the word- Love, He wrote a metaphor which I like as much as he liked. "Inside every child is an 'emotional tank' waiting to be filled with love. When a child feels really loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehaviour of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty 'love tank'."
This says a lot about what makes couples file for a divorce after professing their love to each other in front of their friends and family. Their inability to speak each others emotional love language leads to an empty love tank. This chapter speaks to a lot of couples that are hurting on the inside- their marriage is not meeting their emotional need for love(which is one of man's utmost desires) thereby leaving their love tanks half full or empty.
Before we move to learning a secondary emotional language it is best we discuss the third chapter.
FALLING IN LOVE.
I don't know if you know the song Can't Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley but I think you should listen to that song now...
I am sure you have heard of the saying "Love is blind" because this chapter actually finished the "in love feeling"
In this chapter, I learnt that the in-love feeling and all the butterflies that we feel when we meet that person is not true love because when we are in love, all that our partner does will be good even if the world is telling us that it is bad. We will solicit on our partners behalf that the world looks at that behavior from another perspective. (isn't that ridiculously weird) but the moment that feeling wears off we begin to see (in 3d) how naughty we have acted. And this confirms the saying "love is blind "
In this chapter, the author shares with us the the reasons why the falling-in-love experience is not real love as explained by Dr. Peak.
♥1. Falling in love is not an actual of the will or a conscious choice.
♥2. Falling in love is not real because it is effortless.
♥3. One who is "in love" is not genuinely interested in fostering the personal growth of the other person.
At the stage of falling in love, couples make a lot of mistakes which they take into their marriage that makes them feel like they are not being loved causing them to have an empty love tank.
In the next chapter, we will be reviewing how we can start learning to speak our partners emotional love language so that we can fill us our emotional love tank.
Let's start today's review with one of Mark Twain's words because that is what today's book review is about.
“I can live for two months on a
good compliment.” - Mark Twain.
Of course, I am not just going to compliment you once and make you wait for two months before you get another one... I just can't do that and that is why I am taking this moment again as always to say a very big thank you for always coming back to this meeting space of ours to read everything I have to write you. I so much love you for this.
I hope the past week has been great for you? I pray that this week will be even better for you. I must say, I couldn't wait for today to come so that we can review the fourth chapter of The 5 Love Languages together. Guess what, the fourth chapter holds in it the first love language so, without further ado, let's get right into today's review.
Apart from the things I mentioned this is good about this book in the first series another lovely thing is that this book has gotten facts from different sources and these sources are super duper reliable. Did I hear you say "how did you know the sources are reliable?"
I know because the facts he used have been tested by great men and scientists and have been proven to work. Even the scriptures exist in the pages of this book and have the word of God ever failed?
Now, back to Mark Twain and that lovely quote from him- “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” This quote is what started the fourth chapter of the book and it says a lot about the first love language- WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.
Yes, the first love language is words of affirmation before we dive fully into the review (which we have already started by the way) I would like to mention that one of the nice things about this emotional love language is that it has different dialects. This makes it easier for us all because we can choose to speak as much of a dialect of the same language as we choose to.
One thing about this love language is that it can accelerate your partner into becoming a better version of them in every aspect of their life and to you. It is like a key that when used opens doors into great spaces in their life.
Some people are wired in such a way that they do even better when they are complimented.
If you have a partner whose emotional love language is words of affirmation, when you speak well of him at all times, and appreciate him in his presence or absence he tends to do even better because that way, his emotional needs are being met.
He said, "the object of love is not getting something that you want but doing something for the well-being of the one that you love."
If then you can choose to make use of the different dialects of the word of affirmation, you will be filling your partner's love tank, and you will likely get the love that you also desire to have.
Some of the dialects of the Word of Affirmation as stated in the book are:
▪ Encouraging words
▪ Kind words
▪ Humble words and so much more.
Apart from the practical examples that were cited in this chapter, at the end of the chapter, the author also put various steps that you can take to make maximum use of this emotional love language especially if it is your love language or that of your partner.
My darling, you need to dive right into reading this book because it has nice solutions for problems faced in these marriages this day and for marriages and relationships that seem to be on the good side, I can tell you that it can always get better. But if you are still contemplating if this book is for you, then I will say that you let us walk the journey of this review till the end, and I am sure that by then you will be double sure that the book exists for you.
Join me next week as we talk about the second love language and till then stay giggy and remember (Lolonyo) love is beautiful so, let's nurture it.
I love you.
Today's review... We will be reviewing the second love language as stated by Gary Chapman in his book- The 5 Love Languages.
I know that I might have made mention of this before, but I just have to say it again. I love the practicality of this book, you can make magic out of your marriage and relationship by making use of the practical examples shared in this book in the context of your marriage and relationship.
One thing that is peculiar to most humans is that we are not as good a listener as we should be. Most of the time, we want to pour out our hearts irrespective of what the other person is trying to say. Having a spouse or partner whose emotional love language is quality time might be a little problem and that is why you have to read this book- along with me or book review, just take your time to decide on when you want to start because not only does the book help you to know your love language and that of your partner it also gives you a practical and real-life illustration that you can work within your relationship with your spouse or partner.
Just like Words of Affirmation, Quality Time also has its dialects but even more than the Words of Affirmation, Quality Time has a special component- Togetherness.
In this chapter, I have come to realize that for a partner whose love language is Quality Time it isn't enough to say nice, honest, and kinds things to them. What matters most to them is the time you spend with them. They prefer to be together, with their partner doing nothing or something that they love than having thousands of good words being said to them.
You might be wondering why a person will just feel like sitting with their partner and both of them just talking and smiling and staring at each other. It might sound like a waste of time, but to the person with Quality Time emotional love language, it is not about their activity or inactivity with their partner but the mere fact that they are spending time together.
It is the togetherness and not just being in close proximity. Two people can be in the same room but not be together- they are only in close proximity If they are not doing anything together.
It has to do with more emotional connection than being in the same place.
According to the author "Quality Time does not mean that we have to spend our together moments gazing into each other's eyes. It means that we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other person."
Quality Time has two major dialects. They are:
It is important not to mix quality conversation with words of affirmation. Words of affirmation emphasize what we are saying while quality conversation emphasizes what we are hearing. That is why having a spouse with quality time love language and quality conversation as a dialect will require you to be a good listener.
The author also mentioned the two personality types that he observed;
The Dead Sea and The Babbling Brook.
Couples who are a mix of this two will have to learn some qualities to avoid problems in their marriage or relationship.
The individual with the Dead Sea personality will have to learn how to open up and talk while the individual with the Babbling Brook personality will have to learn how to listen.
The Quality Activity dialect involved doing what your partner loves to do with them. Remember, it is not the activities that matter but that you are making out time for your partner. In this book, three major ingredients are required;
1. At least one of you wants to do it,
2. The other is willing to do it,
3. Both of you know why you are doing it- to express love by being together.
You really should check the book for more practical steps.
I hope you enjoyed today's review as much as I did. Always remember Love is beautiful (Lolonyo) so, let us nurture it together.
The emotional love language we are reviewing today is another super interesting one. Do you know the way giving and receiving gifts is only done or mostly done during occasions? Great! I am glad to tell you that you might want to reconsider that point of view if you have a partner whose love language is Receiving Gifts.
People who have their emotional love language to be receiving gifts will not feel loved if you decide to affirm them for the things they do. They will only feel loved if you gift them things that they want.
For them, a gift is a reminder of love. It is a symbol that shows them that you are thinking about them, a way to keep their love tank full.
For someone whose love language is not receiving gifts, you might find yourself thinking that buying and receiving gifts is a very weird way to feel loved, you probably see it as a waste of resources but to keep the light of love burning in your relationship, you have to learn this love language and your partner's specific dialect. The author mentioned that there is a need to improve on attitude about money and spending to be able to be an effective gift giver.
Yes, you read it well. Dialect.
This love language has two major dialects.
⚛The first is Gifts: Just like the love language. For some reason, you might think that what if you buy your partner the gift and he doesn't like it? How would you know what to get him or her? That's pretty easy, you have to become a better listener. By this, I mean paying attention to the things that they have mentioned showed interest in overtime, make a list of them, and voila! There you go.
While reading the book I was wondering what if I don't have the money or what if what my partner ever wants are super expensive? What will I do? How do keep his love tank full?
But the book explained further that not all gift has to be bought, or super expensive. And you don't have to buy your partner gifts every day if you can't afford to do it. You can give them some handmade gifts once in a while too.
⚛ The second dialect is The Gift of Self: this is a bit like quality time but for people that love gifts, they cherish the presence of their partners so much at significant moments. The author wrote "Physical presence is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts"
The slight difference between a person whose love language is quality time and the person whose love language is receiving the gift of self is that the former wants to spend most of their time with their partner and that is the only way they can feel loved (given that they are not bilingual) while latter will feel loved when their partner is with them at significant moments in their life.
Also, good and practical examples are in the book for you to practice. Don't forget that the way to know your partner's love language is to pay attention to the thing he or she most complains about. Then do it.
Thank you so much, darling, for reading up to the end. Keep in mind that Love is beautiful (Lolonyo) and we can nurture it together. Let's do this again next week. I love you so much.
Hello dear, how are you today? I hope you are doing exceptionally well?
Unlike the third love language- Receiving gifts which we reviewed last week, Acts of Service is a love language that requires thought, planning, time, effort, and energy and if done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love. Learning this love language will require us to re-examine our stereotypes of the roles of the male and female gender in a relationship. This Is the Love language that requires you to be of service to your partner.
I also found out that my love language is the Act of Service.
For people that have their love language to be Act of service, you find them helping out with chores. They love to clean, put things in order, and help to run errands. They are indirectly speaking their love language and would prefer to be shown love in that same way. One problem that transpires with an individual whose partner has this love language is that they are not aware of the love language and they have an imaginary image of how a family or relationship should work. The impression they have about relationships could have been there from childhood because of the way they saw their parents relate. For instance, a man that grew up watching his father help out with chores will see it as a normal thing to help his partner with chores, reverse will be the case for a man who even as a child never saw his father help out around the house.
Just like every other emotional love language we have discussed, this love language has its dialect but to know your partner's dialect, you will have to ask your partner to tell you in specific terms what he or she would want you to do or you will watch out for the things that your partner complains about the most. That will give you a clue as to the dialect that your partner speaks.
In his experience with a couple he counseled, he was able to make three observations:
☑ what we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage.
☑ love is a choice and cannot be coerced.
☑ the criticism about a partner's behavior will provide him with the clearest clue to his partner's primary love language because people tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they have the deepest emotional need.
In this chapter of the book the author also warned against turning your partner into an inanimate object- a doormat, all for the sake of love. Manipulation by guilt, Coercion by force, should not be found in a relationship because we are creatures of emotion, thoughts, and desires. When a partner begins to feel like he or she is been treated like a doormat hatred begins to sit in. Hence, the destruction of that relationship. Nobody Likes to Be Used.
I hope you have discovered your love language so far. In case you haven't, we are not done yet so, be rest assured that you will discover your primary love language soon. I can't wait to do this with you again next week.
Hey darling, it took so long for me to write you again but I missed you. Also, I want to take this moment and every other one that comes after to say a very big thank you for always meeting me here to read what I write you. If not for you we would not have had a reason to celebrate Lolonyo's first anniversary. You mean so much to this family.
Ok! On today's book review series, nevertheless on our favorite book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. So far we have discussed the first four emotional love languages:
#1 words of affirmation
#2 quality time
#3 receiving gifts and
#4 act of service.
Today, we are moving on to the fifth love language-
5. Physical Touch
With this emotional love, language comes a lot of some discussions that went on in the book that we might not be able to fully touch and that is why I can't wait for you to get a copy of this book.
Just like every other love language a spouse or partner with the emotional love language of physical touch will only feel exceptionally loved when they are touched physically.
Now let's clear some misconceptions about the physical touch.
1. Most people think that only the male gender possesses this love language. That is wrong, both males and females tend to have this love language.
2. Another thing people think of the physical touch is that it is all about sex. This also is wrong because some people feel loved when you hold their hand or hug them, some feel loved when you give them a rub on their back or kissed them, while some people feel loved when they make love with their partner. All these people still have the emotional language of physical touch, all it requires is that you understand your partner's dialect. As the author said about people with this love language "to touch my body is to touch me, to withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally" so you must come to understand the fact that if your partner is someone who loves to be touched then you will be doing yourself and your marriage or relationship a disadvantage if you were not speaking that love language.
Disclaimer: Lolonyo is a community that promotes a Godly relationship so if you are not married be careful as to what part of this post you would take up as a practice. Sex and sexually related activities are not required of you and your partner until marriage.
It is very important to know that in touching your partner you have to understand what he or she wants. You cannot impose on your partner what you feel is physical touch to you. For instance, you have a partner whose dialect it is to be hugged and held by the hand but because you have noticed that your partner's love language physical touch you always approach him or her with sex, that is wrong. The best thing to do is to ask your partner how he or she would like to be touched.
For married couples, you can also try new ways of touching your partner and be attentive enough to know which one your spouse likes the most.
One very interesting thing about people whose love language is physical touch is that the partner can help them heal faster in a time of crisis. In the words of the author,
"almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why? because the physical touch is a powerful communicator of love. And crisis provides a unique opportunity of expressing love. Your words may mean a little but your physical touch will communicate that you care."
So, if you have a partner whose love language is physical touch never leave them alone when they are sad, hold them the way they like, and watch them love you forever.
I hope you got something from today's discussion and I am glad that we have been able to touch all five love languages. It has been a great journey with you.
See you next week when we talk about how to discover your love language. Till then, never forget that I love you and that love is beautiful (Lolonyo) so let us nurture it together.
Hey love, how are you?
It has been a long time since I wrote you, I didn't do it to ghost you (how would I?) I had to take time off for some reason. But I am here for you now so, let's continue our book review. Together, we have done a great job reviewing the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. We have seen each emotional love language and what each of them is all about. From Words of Affirmation to Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Act of Service, and Physical Touch. But what good will it be if after reviewing each love language you still can't tell which one is your primary love language? The great thing about this book is that the author has dedicated a whole chapter to tell us how to discover our primary emotional love language.
⚛ One thing that I have always mentioned about this book is how the author made sure that the book is based not only on hypothesis and research but on practical examples and his experiences as a counselor. For this reason, I will keep on advising that you get a copy of this book (soft or hard) and read through it yourself- it brings out the practicality of The Five Love Languages.
⚛ It is possible to follow the series up to this level and still find it a little difficult to pinpoint your primary emotional love language and the author made it easy by suggesting three ways to discover your primary emotional love language. But before diving into that, the author debunked a strong assumption that a lot of people still harbor in their minds to date- the assumption is that physical touch is the primary emotional love language of many men (even a lot of men think this is true)
☯ He (the author) cleared the air by explaining how the desire for sexual intercourse in men is physiological or has a physical root and how that in women has an emotional root. He said the desire for sex in men is due to their body makeup but a woman who feels loved and admired by her husband will desire to be physically intimate with him. In his words, "Sexual desire is quite different from his emotional needs to feel loved also, most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs."
⚜ My View: I must say that if an issue is going to be addressed it should be done with the right mindset and knowledge and this is what the author is trying to help us with here.
⚛ Now to the three ways to discover your primary love language. You would have to ask yourself the following questions and write them down in order of importance for another important exercise.
1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that would also make you feel loved.
Disclaimer: this last approach is only a possible clue to your love language it is not an absolute indicator.
Also, you should have it at the back of your mind that most people are bilingual and it is important to know what your primary language is and that of your spouse too.
☯ The author also mentioned that two kinds of people may have difficulty discovering their primary love language:
♥ The first is the individual whose emotional love tank has been full for a long time her spouse has expressed love in many ways and she is not certain of which ways makes her feel most loved. She simply knows that she is loved.
♥ The second is the individual whose love tank has been empty for so long that he doesn't remember what makes him feel loved. In either case, the author advised that the individual go back to the experience of 'falling in love and ask herself/himself- what did I like about my spouse in those days?
♥ Another approach would be to ask what would be an ideal spouse to you. If you could have the perfect mate what would she be like?
⚛ After making a list of Your Love languages in the order of importance, sit down with your spouse or partner and discuss what you guessed to be his or her primary language then tell each other what you consider to be your primary language. Once the information has been shared he (the author) suggested that the tank check game be played three times a week. The game is played like this, when you come home one of you says to the other "On a scale of 0 to 10 how is your love tank tonight?" 0 means 'Empty' and 10 means 'I am full of love and I can't handle anymore.' After the question is asked, your spouse says what could I do to help fill it?
Then you suggest things you would like your spouse to do or say that evening. To the best of his ability, he will respond to your request then the process is repeated for your spouse.
⚜ My view: from the above suggestions on how to discover your primary language and the tank check game, a couple either married or in a relationship that takes their time to put down their love language and discuss it with each other then follow up with the game will be able to fill each other's love tank and as a result, get to know each other better. I must say this book is a Blast!
Love is a Choice
You know those times you are seeing a movie and you feel like if you were in that same situation you will know exactly what to do or you would at least have an idea of what should be done (lol) Yes, I guess we have all been in that situation at a point in our life until we experience that thing personally and we see that making a choice is not as easy as you thought. Either way, you still try your best to do the right thing. Ok darling, let’s get right into today’s business. Loving someone can also be a thing of choice Love is a choice and this is what we will be talking about in today’s book review.
Haven discovered your primary emotional love language and that of your partner, it is not enough to think that bliss will automatically follow in your relationship. A question popped up at the end of the ninth chapter of this book- Discovering your primary love language and the author said he will shed more light on it in the next chapter. The question is “what if the love language of your spouse is something that does not come naturally for you?” What an interesting question. Just like every other chapter in this book the author was able to bring this concept of love being a choice into life by using true-life experiences that he has had through his years of counseling- you really should get a copy of this book and read it.
In the author’s words;
We are creatures of choice. That means that we can make poor choices, which all of us have done…
Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we must make them in the future…
Love doesn’t erase the past, it makes the future different…
With all that the author has said above, I see him helping us realize that no matter how bad we think a relationship has gone when partners choose to love each other regardless then things can always work out for them again.
When you are in the “in love” stage, you feel so important and on top of the world knowing that there is someone out there that loves you. Soon enough, you wake up to the reality of life and you begin to notice the imperfections of that person that once made you feel on top of the world. It is then your choice to make sure that as long as these imperfections are truly not red flags or pointers that the relationship is not healthy, you try your possible best to show love to your partner irrespective of what seems to be wrong. It might not be easy loving him or her despite the high demands placed on you, but the truth is that love is not supposed to be by instinct rather, it is supposed to come from a place of decision to make things work and give joy to your partner irrespective. The author did a great job answering this question by sharing the story of Brent and Becky (you should check it out).
When you notice that your partner's love language is something that does not come to you naturally, do it anyways. It is a greater expression of love. It might not be easy but you need to realize that being in a relationship or marriage is not a buffet party where you get to pick what you want and leave out the ones you don’t want. To make things work to have to dig in totally and learn to groom each other in sincere love. To enjoy the true beauty of love, you have to nurture your relationship in true love.
Let’s meet again tomorrow my darling where we will talk about how love makes a difference. I look forward to having you on this 30-day journey with me. Till tomorrow know that I love you and that love is beautiful so, let us nurture it together.
It is a brand-new day my darling, how are you this morning? I hope you had a good night's rest? It is day 2 of our 30-day journey and just as we have been doing for the past weeks now, we will continue our book review series on the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Yesterday, we talked about love being a choice but before we go any further into today’s review, I will like to ask you a question “to your best understanding, do you think that love is the most important thing that can keep a relationship going? You can now go to the comment section and type in your answer before you continue reading. Nope! Don’t continue, answer first.
Today, we will be reviewing how love makes the difference according to the 5 love languages. We all grew up in different environments, faced different challenges, and fought different battles. Some of these battles we conquered, while some taught us hard lessons- lessons never to be forgotten. The difference in how we grew has shaped our perspective towards life, how we perceive others and how much value we place on ourselves. Despite whatever we are going through today having a partner that shows you love will make life a little more fun to live in. Just as the writer said:
“Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us.”
We must have it in mind that although love is not enough, it can make life feel better when experienced by your partner.
As usual, the author made use of a couple to let us know that love truly makes a difference. All you need to do is to understand the primary love language of your partner and speak it to them at all times, then wait and see how showing them love using their primary love language will make a difference. Love works when we are ready to make it work by doing the right things.