5 Tips on How to Survive a Relationship Breakup

It is so amusing how the term Breakup has been gradually replaced with Breakfast, especially in this part of the world. For the sake of our diverse readers, we will stick to the original term which is Breakup.

Many times when most people experience a breakup, it seems like the end of the world, especially in cases where they truly loved their partner. In most cases, ladies tend to cry while men stay sober and maybe drink so that they don’t feel the hurt, but the truth is that the hurt and pain still come back, bigger and harder. Most of the time, people tend to shut others out of their life and just remain on their own to feel the pain of breaking up.

While some people try to stay sober or drink or shut people out, some other people try to suppress the hurt that they feel and pretend as if nothing happened. One might think that is the best solution, but it is one of the worse things to do- not allowing yourself to feel the hurt of a breakup. Different people with different ways of dealing with their pains and hurt but in this post, I will be giving 5 tips on how to survive a breakup well and good.

Allow Yourself to Feel the Hurt but Not for Long 

It is very normal to think of our past relationship or ex even after your breakup with them and thoughts like this always come back, especially at times you are just on your own or you see the things or go to places where you both have been to. It is not wrong that after your breakup with your partner, you feel pained and sad. The pain will even be harder for someone who already has big plans and loads of expectations for the relationship and from their partner. But like I mentioned above, it is not good to try to push aside the pain and behave as if no shit just happened in your life. In the long run, things might keep getting out of hand. It is good to feel the pain, and cry if you need to. It is good to let out your emotions and not suppress them. As good as it is to let out your emotions, it is best not to allow yourself to spend forever in the past. The relationship is gone, and now in the past, so it is best to let it be, and move on. Hard as this may seem, it is one of the best ways to survive a relationship breakup. Feel the pain but know when to cut it off.

Focus on You

Breakups are so hard that they may want to take everything from you. Break up is ready to strip you of any strength you think you possess but the best thing to do at this time is to make yourself the priority. This is a very good time to not only focus on yourself but also pick up new hobbies, take yourself on a picnic, travel to new places if you can afford it, set new goals for yourself, exercise, take a course, volunteer, just have fun. While having fun and enjoying life the best way you can, make sure that you remind yourself of who you are, and say nice and positive things about yourself. Speaking words of affirmation to yourself, words that tell you how much you are loved will help you pull through the tough moments after a relationship breakup. As much as this is a time to have all the ‘me time’, all the fun, and discover new things about yourself, this isn’t the right time to jump into a new relationship. It is best to give yourself ample time to recover and heal from the breakup and all the insecurities and fear that might have come with it. Most people drag themselves into the same cycle of breakup over and over again because they feel lost and broken as an individual and I feel like having a partner or being in a relationship will heal them. Give your inner man the time to catch up on the fun things that could not be done when you had your ex in your life.

Reach out to Family and Friends

As much as this is the time to focus on you, it is also a good time to bond with your friends and family members, have all the time you can with them, and catch up on things that you couldn’t do while you were in that previous relationship.  During this time, have fun and go out with your friends, attend family functions, and spend time with your parents, siblings, and other extended family members. Help out and be useful. By doing this, you might be making them smile, thereby, making yourself happy too. Also, when you spend time with your friends and family, they help you to get over this period of pain by showing you love and care and letting you know that you are not alone. Bond!

Learn from Your Experience

After a breakup, it is good to let the past dwell in the past, but also better to learn from your past mistakes. Something that you and your ex did or didn’t do might have led to the breakup. It is better to use this to your advantage so that such mistakes will not repeat themselves in your future relationship. You can achieve this through the power of questioning. How to do this is to ask yourself a series of questions that will help you look deep into how you played your role and how your partner played his or her role and where it all went wrong. Sometimes, doing this alone might be hard as it will open up memories of the relationship hence, you should do this with the help of a therapist, coach, or counselor. They will be able to help you better trace the happenings in your life and past relationships and join the dot till you can make sense of it. In this way, you will also be able to heal from the hurt and insecurities that came out of the relationship with you. This will also help you to know how to be a better partner in your new relationship.

Move on 

n the process of trying to get over your breakup, different memories will surely come to mind. It might come from you seeing pictures of the person, you going somewhere that you have been with the person, or just seeing the person pass. Different things can spring up the thought of the person even silence. When these memories flash through your mind, you might be tempted to start stalking them on their social media account or stalking the person physically. You might even find yourself wanting to force yourself on them and this isn’t a good one to do. In other to get over these feelings, it is better to make sure that you constantly remind yourself why that relationship was no more conducive for you both and you must try to wave all the memories of the person when they come up in your mind. Although it is good to be on good terms with your ex, (depending on what caused the breakup) if you think seeing them will make things worse for you, it is better to unfollow them on your social media account and try to get rid of things that might remind you of them pending the time that you are trying to get hold of yourself.

 

Conclusion

Getting over a breakup isn’t a very easy thing to do, but it is a very good thing to do to avoid more of it repeating itself. Pay attention to yourself and your growth at this moment,  make sure that you trace the dots and observe the patterns so that you won’t have to make the same mistake time and time again.

5 Major Turn-offs to Avoid in Your Relationship

People meet and fall in love, they get to know each other a little more, start a relationship and continue to get to learn about each other. At first when they meet they don’t know all about each other but as they proceed in their relationships, they get to see the good and bad side of their partner. The different things that they notice about each other will determine if they will continue the journey together as a couple or go their separate ways. If they will not continue their relationship both individuals or at least one of them will have noticed the turn-offs or what some people call red flags in the relationship.

Hello darling, how are you today? Day 5 and we are still moving on. I appreciate that you are always here to learn more about how to have a great relationship. 

Although it differs for different people, there can be a whole lot of turn-offs in your relationship. In today’s post, we will be looking at 5 major turn-offs to avoid in your relationship. We have classified the turn-offs to be discussed majorly because they are the most common ones found in relationships and they can easily ruin a relationship.

1. Lack of Effective Communication

The inability to communicate effectively can be a major turn-off in your relationship. There are situations where one partner is not letting the other speak, it might also be a case where there is too much talking and no listening. In another case, it might be that one of them is not showing interest in what the other has to say. Whichever one of them you notice in your relationship, try to solve by first calling the attention of your partner to it then try to look at how you both can make things right.

2. Value Clashes

Two individuals come together to start a relationship but they are still in some ways different individuals that have different perspectives and views of life. The saying “one man’s food is another man’s poison” is also relevant in relationships. Because you and your partner have experienced life differently before starting a relationship there might be habits and behaviors that are tied to his or her values that you didn’t notice at first and if not taken care of by discussing it with each other can lead to the end of the relationship.

3. Getting Disconnected from God

This is a major turn-off in any relationship.  Considering that this community emphasizes nurturing Godly relationships and marriage, it would be wrong if we didn’t talk about it. To enjoy your relationship as a true child of God, you and your partner have to be on the same page when it comes to the things of God. This is so that you will not have unnecessary clashes, will be able to draw strength from the right source and support each other and support each other in times of need. In a situation where you notice a lukewarm attitude in your partner’s spiritual life, instead of nagging or not talking about it at all, try to pray for and with them and lead them by your own words and actions.

4. Lack of Integrity

For a relationship to work, both partners have to be fully accountable to themselves and each other. Lack of integrity leads to distrust between partners because a guy who knows that his partner’s yes has never truly been yes will find it hard to believe her even when she truly means Yes. For any relationship to flourish the couple must trust each other and know that they can hold each other to their word. Failure to deal with dishonesty and lack of integrity in your relationship will lead to the turn-off of your relationship.

5. The Feeling of Entitlement

A sense of entitlement is a personality characteristic based on the belief that someone deserves special treatment or recognition for something that they didn’t earn, this is just one of many definitions out there. In other words, the person believes that the world or someone owes them without ever or rarely giving anything in return. This kind of mindset can manifest in a person’s attitude in different aspects of a relationship; finances, acts of service, time and attention, you name it. No matter what form it takes, entitlement is a toxic trait that will cause strain in the relationship. A person with an entitled partner, after so much giving and so little receiving with almost nagging and arguments will eventually grow weary of them and could fall out of love with their partner if the entitlement mindset isn’t properly dealt with.

 

Conclusion

With all these points that we have discussed above, I hope that you will be on the lookout for these turnoffs and turn them off before they turn your relationship off. (lol). Till tomorrow my darling, have it in mind that love is beautiful and we can nurture it together. I love you.

Book Review: My Minimalist Wedding by Blessing Abeng & Uwem

My Minimalist wedding is simply described as a guide to pulling off a 100 guest wedding with a 2 million Naira plus budget in Nigeria. 

First, here’s a shoutout to Cowrywise for gifting us this book in February 2022. 

One thing the book is that it calmed “my fears” if it’s proper to call them fears.

Two, the book is an adjustable template. The numbers, prices and everything else can actually

Also, the realities of the book are relatable. Man has the ability to adapt and  to bring the best results

No matter how wealthy you are, your pockets have limits. This is why budgets are made. 

Another beautiful thing I loved about this book is its practicality. Every action had practical points

As I wrap up this review, if you’re wondering why I’m writing a review on Blessing and Uwem’s “My Minimalist Wedding”, I can’t help your thoughts😂🫠. I’m sorry I can’t say if you’re right or wrong but whatever the case is, you’d be fine😂😃.

How to Validate your Partner during Difficult Conversations

In every relationship, you must come to terms with the fact that you will have difficult conversations.

Say statements like
I hear you, please continue
I see how that hurt you. I really want us to work on that issue
I know this is hard for you to express; Please continue.
I hear you and I understand your need. I want us to find a way that works for both of us.
Thanks for sharing your feelings, needs and thoughts.

How to get over the Pressure of Getting Married during Dating

If you go into a relationship and it takes a long while before marriage, it is likely that you begin to feel pressure from different quarters. You begin to hear questions like "Why did you go into a relationship when you knew it would take this long to get married?"

When this happens,

How Can You Tell If You're Ready To Get Married?

 

Dating God

Many people have an idea of the things you should know or must have attained as a man before you go into a relationship, most of which are assumptions and conclusions made by societal standards that we see everyday. True as they may be, there's the position of your relationship with God as far as your past and present is concerned. Before you go into a relationship, you should understand the lady  from the standpoint of God and that's the reason why you MUST date God before you date her. Dating God here thus means establishing a firm relationship with God first, before embarking on another with your spouse.

 

In Mark 12:28-34,

    28: And one of the scribes came, and having heard them reasoning together, and perceiving that he had answered them well, asked him, Which is the first commandment of all?

    29: And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord:

30: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.

    31: And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

    32: And the scribe said unto him, Well, Master, thou hast said the truth: for there is one God; and there is none other but he:

    33: And to love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the soul, and with all the strength, and to love his neighbour as himself, is more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.

    34: And when Jesus saw that he answered discreetly, he said unto him, Thou art not far from the kingdom of God. And no man after that durst ask him any question.

Verse 30 clearly explains that it is first needed to love the Lord with all of a man's heart and his totality. It extends to define that no other form of sacrifice can be compared to the sacrifice of love. While Jesus amended the commandments into love- loving God and then others, He implied that a man cannot love his fellow being without first loving God. It also explains in extension that the proof that a man truly loves God is expressed in his love for other individuals.

Oppositely today, there is no "one on one relationship" with the father. Life will be more interesting and simple if we get more intimate with God. The reason why we have half baked Christian couples as seen in Hosea 8 is because there is no love for the father. There is a void in every man that only God can fill and there is a void in God that only man can fill. This is one reason why a relationship between man and God must exist- John 3:16

 

God proposed his love to us by sending his son to die for us and the only part that we have to play is by loving him back. "WE must have the consciousness of the love of God where ever we go and in whatever we do". Dating God is not just an act, it is a full commitment. Dating God means loving God.

In our relationship with the father, we have to do it in such a way that we don't want to hurt the father. If you are not conscious of the fact that God loves you, you will suffer. In this relationship with the father we are not allowed to cheat.

In your relationship today, share the love of God with her that you may please the father. Keep telling him that you love Him and show him your commitment. He shall keep you.

Ephesians 5:24-27, James 2:5, JOHN 14:15

Understanding Conflicts in Your Relationship

Mere bonding does not form the basis for love. It involves a lot more. This is one reason why we can conclude that healthy relationships are not conflict free but are conflict resolving. The tongue and the teeth, though occupants in the same room still conflict. The problem with conflict most times is that we fight for victories instead of fighting for solutions and in the end, one wins while the other loses. In this case, a relationship suffers. On the other hand, if we conflict for solutions and not victories, we build each other in the long run.

For the psychologist, he may prescribe a million conflict handling lifestyles. For another, there may be no better means to play out a conflict, or no best roles to take. There may also be no blames to share or guilt to pour. However, here are a few things to note about the nature of conflicts and how to end them positively.

Firstly, note that Differences and Conflicts are Inevitable- The average relationship difference brings many people together. This makes conflicts a norm in our daily lives. All relationships experience them too because they are potentially beneficial to the conflicting parties and can grow great relationships if handled properly. Conflicts should therefore be seen and approached as a normality to optimise the better possibilities they contain.

Also, there are many ways to handle conflicts to ensure that everyone wins in the end.

a. The Avoid Style- Individuals in this category ensure that they let sleeping dogs lie. They are usually afraid of confrontation, especially when the other partner is hot tempered and loud in actions. Unfortunately, they do not understand that they merely bury these feelings only for them to rise up alive along the line. Offences accumulate,unfinished businesses erupt and unaddressed issues multiply. These in turn rocks the relationship and tears it apart, usually leaving physical and emotional casualties.

b. The Approach-Assert Style- Here, the individual is basically concerned with the overall goodwill of the relationship. As such, he feels that no price is high too sustain a relationship. Usually, they are very sensitive to the feelings of others while they choose to still deal directly with burning and important issues. They avoid blaming, confront the issue and not the individual, and  may invite others (a third party, usually their joint mentor) to partner with them in solving the conflict issue.

c. The Attack Style- These are the "pepper them gang" who follow the trend of "get them before they get you" mentality in relationships. As a result, they never choose to give in and inflict terminal injury on their minds. Also, attack usually begets counterattack, so both sides dig in and none gets something tangible out in the end.

d. The Peace Maker Style: The final style is for those who will try to make sure no conflict/argument arise. They fight so that nothing scatters. However, in the case it does not work according to their plan, they are usually first to say the I am sorry words. When scriptures mention... Blessed are the peace makers.... You find them here... They are similar to the second category.

To dwell on the Peace makers, the only problem is the fact that many people have abused the use of "sorry" such that they use it and expect a quick response from the people we say it to. In cases like this, you find out that people could file multiple allegations against their partners (or other people they have offended and hurt) and they expect them to let go because they have "said sorry". Here, you understand that there is a huge difference between being sorry and saying sorry.

It is better to be sorry than to say sorry and it is okay to keep quiet if you are not sorry than to utter the word and keep up with the same actions that hurt other people. It helps you learn to value other people's feelings and not place premium on only your feelings. The world cannot thrive with only you in it and you definitely need to place value on people around you because they make life enjoyable. Placing value on people in this case includes respecting them not by kneeling or prostrating to greet them but by respecting their core values that makes them who they are.

It is wrong to align with unforgiveness and emotional manipulation in a relationship. If any partner has these thoughts at heart, it will be almost impossible to understand and resolve conflicts. As an individual, you must be able to stand for whatsoever you have done, whether good or bad. You must take responsibility and make amends in the case where you need to. Making mistakes is a constant part of our lives and partners must  learn to habdle their mistakea without blaming or manipulating each other for it. Learning from mistakes is a conscious effort to living responsibly and being at peace with all men - Romans 12:18 and Hebrews 12:14

Partners should also consciously groom their minds to move on from any form of hurt by each other without necessarily expecting them to come crying and apologise or say sorry. Doing this is safe for your mental health and well being and in the worst case scenerio of a heartbreak (as in our articles on managing a heartbreak and moving on from your ex), you can properly manage it. 

You should also learn to draw the line to avoid a bigger outburst of emotions that both parties will never recover from. No matter how close you are to anybody, there is a thin line of RESPECT that must never be crossed. In our article on who deserves respect the most in a relationship, we discussed the true definitions of respect but sadly, respect is defined by actions (especially in this side of the world) like calling people with titles, kneeling or prostrating to greet and similar actions. While these things may matter in minute ways, the way you treat people whether or not you need anything from them is what matters most. Also, true respect includes that you do not treat people based on the favour or material value you get from them today. Everyone deserves to be adequately respected. At the same time, give people space when you find them disrespecting you. In most cases, these people come to emotionally blackmail you and make you feel guilty instead of accepting that they made a mistake and are willing to correct it. 

Finally, accepting a mistake instead of blaming anyone (even the devil) requires a level of emotional maturity. "Saying sorry" does not get into the heart of the kindhearted but "being truly sorry" can break and pierce the toughhearted.

Above all, resolving conflicts in any relationship is a thing more spiritual than physical. We should be conscious of the fact that the enemy never wants joy, so he births strife among men. Psychology can only explain, and at most, link them to temperaments. But a lasting solution to arguments and conflicts lies in prayer and a constant "walk in the spirit"

All you may need to avert a terrible argument could be to send a text at the right time, or to give a better response to a question.... Just something little.

Galatians 5:14-1514: For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”15: If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

Tall, Dark and Handsome: How to Deal with Relationship Specs

It is very possible to have the tall, dark and handsome wish for a perfect partner. Your wish could be a fair, slim or fleshly endowed lady. But what happens if you do not find your spec? Would you go with anything you find or try to change your partner?

If you are "lucky" to fall in the category of what you ordered versus what you got, there are probably many reasons why you had to stick to your partner as the option for your relationship. But it is never really a bad idea. Change is a constant feature in every man's life and every individual is flexible to change. However, there are certain things that you may be unable to change. How do you live with your partner in this?

Your beliefs and opinion matters. If you can live with the differences and adapt to the absence of the physical and behavioural features in your partner, it is a very good position as there is always a point of compromise for matters like this in every relationship. However, if you cannot adapt, it is also fine to take a break off. The popular saying is that "a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage". At the same time, it is also very possible to work on a change in your partner or yourself.

The problem at this point is that many people are too focused on changing their partners rather than looking inwardly to see how they can improve. While it is necessary for your partner to be open and flexible to change, you cannot and should not force your partner to change. Understanding should come in handy so you know who should bend for the other. This is that point of compromise.

The Law of Attraction

The power of the eye is in its ability to love by sight. Also, change in most relationships occur in the physical, behavioural and emotional modes. These three modes are also responsible for the "spec" we build up in our minds as regards a partner. In many cases, building this spec in mind is a result of attraction to an individual - physically, behaviourally or emotionally. Your partner could dislike eating out and yet be a tall, dark and handsome guy (physical) who loves God and likes to spend fun time with orphanage children and hospital patients (emotional). In this case, you are attracted to him by emotions and physical attributes. In another case, she could dislike calls and prefer texts (behavioural), but she is still the dark skinned beauty you always liked. All of these form different sides, especially because attraction does not show the negative sides in the first place. Attraction only puts what you desire amd want on the table.

Just as our taste changes over time, preferences for whom should occupy space as your partner changes. At the primary school level you once had a crush on a lady or guy in class based on certain qualities... When you fast forward to junior secondary, you find some other crush... And again at the university level. Ordinarily too, a basic change in environment amongst other factors can necessitate

If change is constant, how do I manage

What then should I place as criteria to choosing my life partner? - Not Looks, Not Wealth, Not the paint but the strength of the building

As an individual, you must know that in you lies the power to change and be the best version of yourself. This is one of the best ways to love your partners; by being your best and doing your best for your partner. By doing this, you become adapt to changes where possible and reach a compromise with your partner where change seems difficult. You also control how successful your relationship is, knowing that the success or failure of your relationship is 50% in your hands. Partners should help one another adjust to certain changes. You could encourage your partner to hit the gym or drop off some habits - it's all in the change process. You two will definitely become specs for each other this way.

PS: Attached to this is an audio letter by Della (featuring Nelson). We discussed about changing habits in a relationship and conforming to your partner's spec. 

Click the button below to listen.

Listen/button

How to Deal with Matters Arising in a Relationship

A relationship is the coming together of two imperfect individuals and as such, it is impossible to live without any issues. Having this knowledge is one thing, while the ability to deal with these issues when they arise is another. 

 

Anything you know he/she does or believes that you don’t agree with, trash it out. There’s no point trying and struggling if it won’t give you peace and happiness.

Deal with it.

If she has a house and you have none, you’d prefer to rent an apartment or stay under bridge? Whether your answer is a Yes or a No, it is hinged on one the following:

1. Understand Your Social Construct

You have probably seen a lot of things happen in your environment and it has become something that has shaped your ideas about topics like this - maybe a neighbor who used to talk about you not being man enough if your wife is doing something or association with a culture where the woman is not allowed to make contributions socially or even financially.

2. Your background

You might have lived in a family where your dad did everything and your mum did less or nothing at all. You begin to form an ideology from this that you also have to “man up” and see that your wife does nothing. Hence, you be come socially pressured. You want to get everything. You want to do everything. You want to be the Odogwu (😂) and “be a man”. Whereas, she can help you. She can contribute. She can supply some while you do the others. But you have strong head.

3. Bound Your Past Experiences

You have probably had experiences with women who make the whole world know when they do something for you. But trust me, this happens with men too. There are also men who always want to exercise power and show that there’s a man in the room. You hear things like “I’m supposed to be the man of the house” when they’re not even married to you yet. It happens with both genders. If you base your judgement on this, you'd miss it. The fact that your ex was a scum doesn’t mean all wo/men are scum. You just need to have the right agreements and find out about their core values even before things start to get serious. Know their views on certain issues that are controversial. Talk about it and come to an agreement.

Whichever one has been what built your mentality, you have to restructure your mind. How?

You have become ONE flesh and she’s your help meet. If she can’t help you, why should she be there? 

 

A pastor whose father always beat his mother and while he grew with his family, he saw it as normal and had a special cane for his wife to “correct her”.

#backgroundissues

 

Read: 10 Games Every Long Distance Couple Should Play Today

3. Bring Jesus into the Situation

The best illustration to bring into your relationship is that of Jesus and the Church. If I had a house and Jesus had none, would He move into mine? YES! This is because He even chose to use my body as a temple so He could remain there forever and ever. He also gave us the power to use our abilities to do the things He didn’t finish up while he was on earth. You see? So, Jesus won’t prolly stay under bridge or rent a house because He’s... Always use Jesus Christ and the Church and you won’t miss it.

4. Do a mind Restructuring

By doing a mind restructuring, you simply need to evaluate your belief systems and look at what others also think about these things. Think about it and be open to the view of others - compare and contrast. If you think it’s a gender issue, meet other people who are of the same sex and opposite sex and ask questions (I do this a lot). Know what they think and be sure of what you want to believe.

5. Don’t be hard on Yourselves

You honestly don’t need to believe what every other person believes. Just have a mind of your own and do what’s best for you and your partner. You must understand that every relationship writes it’s own story and for no reason should you be the villain and oppressor in your story.

 

Babe and I were evaluating our relationship one time and he talked about how he loves to speak with me very often. I found that “guyyy. We will finish the talk.” and God said “Do we ever finish our talk?” 😂 Oh. So, because we don’t and never do with God, I can’t finish talk with this guy. (If you ever ask what people in relationships talk about everyday— this is it)

wise in spending and understands partnership models especially when it has to do with money. He did this with his disciples for the tax collectors.

You do the school fees, I do the basic bills. You prepare the food, I take the children to school. Partnerships.

Conclusion

If you have had to deal with a matter arising in your relationship, kindly share how you handled it

How to Apologise When You Are Not Wrong

Who says apologizing makes you weaker in your relationship?

Whether you admit it or not, apologizing can never be a sign of weakness in a relationship, because you can only apologize if you’ve really got the guts and courage to confront him or her. However, there are some people, who you will probably know of, that are just in the habit of apologizing because they feel that their relationship is at stake. I believe it is not wrong to keep apologizing just for the sake of saving your relationship.

When we speak of who is to say “sorry” in a relationship, it is very important to always remind yourself that nobody on this earth is perfect. We will have one flaw or the other and it is absolutely OK to make mistakes and offend our partners at one point in time or the other (it should eventually result to a proof that you both are compatible)

A supporting quote from a certain love and relationship expert confirms what I am saying in essence: “Apologizing does not always mean that you have done wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your own ego”.

Actually, it is a very tricky thing to accomplish when you apologize, knowing fully well that you have done nothing wrong at all.

Sometimes, it will be very obvious that your partner or spouse is the one at fault. But with the mentality of “This is not all about me, this is not all about him, it’s about us. ” Then you will understand that there are some situations that you will need to be the one saying “Its okay, I’m sorry about everything”. Such understanding must have gotten you to be reading this article.

Well, I will confirm to you based on personal experience in my previous relationship that the manner which you apologize, guilty or not, just your decision to apologize will definitely determine whether you will be forgiven or not. An apology without forgiveness or reunion is nothing. It is better not to have even apologized in the beginning. If the apology does not sound sincere, chances are they will not be accepted at all.

The subsequent consequences of your relationship, courtship or marriage could be so tough. But trust me, your inability to apologize to your spouse when needed can also aid even a tougher consequence.

So your partner keeps falsely accusing you of something you actually did not do or know nothing about? And you just feel like this is a mess, like you are under a very disturbed attack?.

Those words of apologies fail to escape from your lips? And you feel that this is all about you alone. No sweetheart, it has got something to do with the interest of your relationship.

There may be a need for you to be the storm calmer. You may need to be the one to apologize. This could be the best and simple way to get going in your relationship, to prevent it from hitting a snag.

Now, I want you to understand that there is a large story to play. Do not put yourself under unwarranted pressure, guilt or blame. You are only doing it because there is every need to. It is not all about buying the best red flowers, shedding tears or simply saying “sorry” in a best-structured way. It has to be sincere.

There are some ways you can apologize even when you have done nothing wrong.

Why apologize, anyway?

There are numerous reasons why you should be the one making a sincere apology when you have done nothing wrong.

When you apologize, you help the other person acknowledge that he or she has engaged in an unacceptable behaviour. It paves the way for your partner’s willingness to admit his or her mistakes and gives an opportunity to encourage sound communication between both of you.

In a way, your apology can help in the rebuilding of trust and reestablishing of that connection you have with the other person.

Far worse, If the situation of “who did wrong? ” had drained the rhapsodical conversations between you both, your apology automatically opens a dialogue between yourself and the other person.

What is more, when you help the other person admit that the situation was nobody’s fault by apologizing, you are restoring dignity to yourself, the one who is hurt.

Your apology when you have done nothing wrong shows that you are taking responsibility. It makes you feel a sense of relief and unveils that matured side of you when it comes to handling betrayal.

Of course, I can agree with you if you say that your partner must apologize for his or her wrongdoings, it’s highly expected. But look, If your apology is the only thing that can possibly hearten your now-deterring relationship, then DO IT. So long as you value such a relationship. You know, not everyone has the same stand like you.

Undeniably, I understand that apologizing when you are not wrong may seem irksome and difficult. But have you ever wondered why apologies are difficult?. Some people feel that they will be full of shame and embarrassment over the actions that can not bring themselves to the face of their partner. But the truth is, apologies requires courage, whether guilty or not guilty. It may seem to put you in a vulnerable position when you admit that you are the one who has done wrong.

In most cases, it opens you up to more false blame and attack. This is a reason why some people struggle to show this courage to apologize even when they are innocent. But there are ways; psychologically proven ways that you can apologize even when you are not wrong. It is just to make peace and ensure things are smooth as before. Here are a few ways to apologise when you are not wrong.

1. Play the Bigger role

Putting things off for a very long time only gives space for anger and grudge to grow. Sometimes, your partner was wrong and you were a little wrong too. It is also important for you to play a bigger role by being the bigger person in this issue, accept the negative aspect of the situation in order to proceed, then apologize. When you both discuss, later on, you can eventually pour out your mind to your partner how he or she had made you feel. You have to take the stance to bite the bullet and apologize. The likelihood is that your partner will do the same thing for you.

2. It is wise to listen well

No matter who is at fault, you have to exercise your listening skills when you want to apologize for what you have not done. Why? In a situation where you need to apologize, the other person will surely have some different feelings about the same situation on ground, in contrast to yours. Hearing is different from listening. I have heard people say ” I’ve heard all that he has to say, there is no point apologizing”. I’ve also heard people say “I’ve listened to him,I think we need to settle our differences”. Yeah, when you listen and not just hear, you tune in (using your mental focus), putting yourself in your partner’s shoe and acknowledge that you understood what they said. It is time for you to listen to what they have to say first like it is your job. No interruption, no disagreement. Listen first, and then apologizing becomes easier.

3. It is not enough to just say it

So sometimes ago, you and your spouse agreed to go to the movies at 9pm. And after waiting for two hours, he called that it should be postponed. Now you feel disappointed as it was a big deal to you, his apologies had no effect, you got a little bit mad and decided to take rough reactions. After several potholes, you just decided to apologize for something he had started in the beginning. After a couple of weeks, same thing happened and you took same rough action and kept on willingly apologizing for what you did not actually start. What is the essence of an apology when your actions do not speak with it?. Your action in this situation will speak louder than words. If you do not follow through, you have crossed the line into deterring your partner’s trust. Let your action speak too. It is part of you playing the bigger role.

4. Apologize with a clear head

Before you apologise, take a very good time to think things over. You need to understand what the other person has done, why it was done, and what is has caused on your relationship. Why does it upset you so much that you find it hard to apologize? , except your partner has done something knee-jerk which demands immediate apology. If you do not go into your apology with a clear head, you could just start with a fit of residual anger or resentment and make it even worse. Think things over, whether it is just a little wrong or a major relationship crime that takes time to be sorted out.

5. Apologize in the Right Way

If you’re concerned that your words won’t come out right when you apologize, write down what you want to say, and then role-play the conversation with a trusted friend or colleague. However, don’t practice so much that your apology sounds rehearsed.

Once it’s time to do the deed, you have to do things right, which means you have to get into full-on apology mode. No phones. No text apologies. No TV in the background. Just you, your partner, and some real eye contact. And then you just have to apologize. Say, “I’m sorry I…” and explain what you’re apologizing. This will kick start the discussion and open the door for you both to share your feelings.

6. Don’t give excuses

When you are apologizing, you will be tempted to explain your actions. This may be useful, but from personal experience, explanations are often seen as excuses, and these can weaken your apology. Don’t shift part of the blame onto someone or something else in an attempt to reduce or elude responsibility.

Here is an example of using excuses in an apology:

I’M SORRY THAT I SNAPPED AT YOU WHEN YOU BARGED INTO MY OFFICE YESTERDAY. I WAS SO BUSY AND MY BOSS DEMANDED MY PROJECT REPORT AN HOUR EARLIER THAN PLANNED.

In this particular case, you excuse your behavior because of stress, and you imply that the other person was at fault because he bothered you on a busy day and barged into your office. This makes you look weak.

6 Lessons from Naomi to Singles

The story of Ruth and Naomi opens you up to many lessons which the old woman taught her daughter in-law. These lessons are salient ones that singles need in their waiting seasons. The lessons come in form of simple instructions that once understood and applied, it begins to yield the needed and expected results. In the next few lines, let us take a brief journey into scriptures as we take a look at these lessons.

 

1. Never Assume. Be sure it's God's will for you

Ruth was not just looking for any man. She had a specific one in mind - God's will, and she was ready to go all length to get only God's will. This is not similar to an extreme liking for a guy/lady and then going to pray about him/her because of your previous affections. Naomi however had done her assignment and so she was able to tell Ruth where to find him: "...he is winnowing barley tonight at the threshing floor" (Ruth 3:2)

2. Deal with your Past

Naomi said to Ruth, "...wash yourself..." (Ruth 3:3). In order to gain acceptance with Boaz, Ruth could not approach him looking and smelling like Moab. She needed to settle her past so that it would not sabotage her future. Do not remain contaminated with stories and worries of breakups, jilts and every past. Just sort out your emotional baggage. To properly sort this, you would need to prayerfully and confidently tell him/her everything about your past and if he/she is truly for you, then he/she would accept you for who you have become and not what your past contains.


3. Have the right attitude: Naomi said to Ruth, "...anoint yourself..."(Ruth 3:3). In Bible times, people anointed themselves with oil in order to be refreshed and renewed. In essence, Ruth needed a change of attitude as many singles need toay.


4. Be willing to stand out in the crowd: Ruth was instructed to "...put on your best garment..." (Ruth 3:3). You need to get noticed, look good for approval. There is a need to stand out and be exceptional. (Remember, you are not mourning).


5. Make sure you are in the right place: Naomi told Ruth, "...Go down to the threshing floor" (Ruth 3:3). Why? Because that was where Boaz was. You should not feel out of place when you are in the right place neither should you be at the wrongplace when you should be at the right. Many consciously or unconsciously move away from where their spouses are.

6. Understand the importance of timing

Naomi gives Ruth one strong one here by saying "... Do not make yourself known unto the man until...". Ruth had waited a long while as we know but she did not need to push or rush things. Pushing things is getting pregnant before marriage (so that he would be stuck right?), making proposal moves before he does and so on. Things should only happen at the appointed time uhn...

Dear single brother/sister, the truth is the truth. If the government decides to kill all mathematicians today, 1+1 would still equal 2 because it's the truth. I have come to confirm every advice Mummy Naomi gave Sister Ruth as true.

Follow them, your spouse cometh!

Relationship Labels (Things We Should Normalize in a Relationship)

Most of the time I’ve heard people say things like “You are taking this relationship too serious”, “Calm down and enjoy your life what if it doesn’t work out.” Far from all these things what is noteworthy is that as humans we often label different things: from activities to human even to our relationships. When we label these things (humans, activities even our relationship), these labels tend to keep us from expressing ourselves to our full capacity.

Love is Important

When you label a relationship Godly or serious, that is when you begin to see that only in such a relationship should you come together as a couple to pray and share the word of God, that is when you begin to think that reading with your partner, having book and video reviews are activities meant for those in a serious relationship.

Every couple in a relationship should take out time to pray as a couple and read not just the word of God but also books that would enhance their lives in all aspects, doing things like that would help both individuals to grow into strong people, and a strong couple, it will help them to also understand each other more and communicate more effectively hence, they fulfill purpose together as an individual and as a couple. 

Who Should Say Sorry First.

My darling, know that it is not weird to pray for and with your partner, it is not weird to study the word of God together; neither is it for people in Godly relationships alone, if we can inculcate habits like these into our relationships, 

we would save ourselves a good number of heartache because even if things does not work out both of you only gained from the relationship.

I can’t wait to write you again next week. I love you, and remember Lolonyo (Love is Beautiful). 

Book Review: The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

The Five Love Languages for Couples by Gary Chapman.

I am sure you are either feeling excited as I am because you have read the book and you know the greatness embedded in the pages of this book or you are wondering what could the book be all about, if it will help you at all or if you even need it.

Just stay tuned into our community blog and let's unveil the goodness in this ageless resource of love. 

I have the hard copy of the book and I must say, the production is really good.

The lettering, fonts, paper texture and smell are all nice (I know you are wondering why I mentioned smell, I love the smell of hard copy books and I am sure that most people that love hard copy do too). It is also very handy. 

 The author, Gary Chapman is the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants. Inc. He travels the world presenting seminars and his audio programs airs on more than 100 station (that is a whole lot).

He is married to Karolyn J. Chapman. They have two adult children, Shelley and Derek. He is also the senior associate pastor at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

Gary Chapman has written other great books like:

♦The Five Love Languages Men's Edition 

♦The Five Love Languages Gift Edition 

♦The Five Love Languages of  

♦The Five Love Languages of Teenagers 

♦The Five Love Languages for Singles

♦Your Gift of Love

♦Parenting Your Adult Child 

♦Loving Solutions 

♦The Other Side of Love 

♦Five Signs of a loving Family 

♦Toward a Growing Marriage 

♦Hope for the Seperated

♦Covenant Marriage 

Wow... What a living content he is. 

Another thing I love about this book is that it has been translated into 49 other languages apart from English meaning, this book is for all. 

In this book, The Five Love Languages- he speaks about the different ways though which people express love. He called them The 5 love languages.

They are:

♥Quality Time 

♥Words of Affirmation 

♥Gifts 

♥Acts of Service 

♥Physical Touch. 

He explained how people not speaking the love language of their partner has caused a lot of harm in marriages.

After talking about each love language he also spoke about different people and couples can discover their own love language. 

In the first three chapters of the book.

The first chapter of the book is titled WHAT HAPPENS TO LOVE AFTER THE WEDDING

In this chapter, the author was able to discuss the concept of speaking different languages and how it can cause commotion in our different relationships.

He made an example of the different languages in the area of love where he said "Your emotional love language and the love language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other". Now imagine that. 

Differences in language does not only occur with couples, it is also in a great way one of the determining factors of a child's growth and self perception. A child that grows up feeling loved by his parents and people around him will develop a healthy emotional love language. Reverse will be the case of a child that didn't feel loved while growing up. 

One thing that I learnt while reading this chapter is that no matter what our primary language is, we can always learn to speak a secondary language so as to be able to communicate with our partner. 

The title and the chapter came from the authors years of counseling couples. The question- What Happens To Love After The Wedding always popped up directly or indirectly from different couples and thus is because they didn't understand the concept of speaking their partners emotional love language. 

Keeping THE LOVE TANK Full

This is the second chapter of the book where the author discussed what love means to different people and how that one word can cause a lot of confusion.  Far from the word- Love, He wrote a metaphor which I like as much as he liked. "Inside every child is an 'emotional tank' waiting to be filled with love. When a child feels really loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehaviour of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty 'love tank'."

This says a lot about what makes couples file for a divorce after professing their love to each other in front of their friends and family. Their inability to speak each others emotional love language leads to an empty love tank. This chapter speaks to a lot of couples that are hurting on the inside- their marriage is not meeting their emotional need for love(which is one of man's utmost desires) thereby leaving their love tanks half full or empty. 

Before we move to learning a secondary emotional language it is best we discuss the third chapter. 

FALLING IN LOVE. 

I don't know if you know the song Can't Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley but I think you should listen to that song now... 

(Lol...)

I am sure you have heard of the saying "Love is blind" because this chapter actually finished the "in love feeling"

In this chapter, I learnt that the in-love feeling and all the butterflies that we feel when we meet that person is not true love because when we are in love, all that our partner does will be good even if the world is telling us that it is bad. We will solicit on our partners behalf that the world looks at that behavior from another perspective. (isn't that ridiculously weird) but the moment that feeling wears off we begin to see (in 3d) how naughty we have acted. And this confirms the saying "love is blind "

In this chapter, the author shares with us the the reasons why the falling-in-love experience is not real love as explained by Dr. Peak.

♥1. Falling in love is not an actual of the will or a conscious choice. 

♥2. Falling in love is not real because it is effortless. 

♥3. One who is "in love" is not genuinely interested in fostering the personal growth of the other person.

At the stage of falling in love, couples make a lot of mistakes which they take into their marriage that makes them feel like they are not being loved causing them to have an empty love tank. 

 

 

In the next chapter, we will be reviewing how we can start learning to speak our partners emotional love language so that we can fill us our emotional love tank.

Let's start today's review with one of Mark Twain's words because that is what today's book review is about. 

“I can live for two months on a

good compliment.” - Mark Twain.

Of course, I am not just going to compliment you once and make you wait for two months before you get another one... I just can't do that and that is why I am taking this moment again as always to say a very big thank you for always coming back to this meeting space of ours to read everything I have to write you. I so much love you for this.

say, I couldn't wait for today to come so that we can review the fourth chapter of The 5 Love Languages together. Guess what, the fourth chapter holds in it the first love language so, without further ado, let's get right into today's review.

Apart from the things I mentioned this is good about this book in the first series another lovely thing is that this book has gotten facts from different sources and these sources are super duper reliable. Did I hear you say "how did you know the sources are reliable?" 

I know because the facts he used have been tested by great men and scientists and have been proven to work. Even the scriptures exist in the pages of this book and have the word of God ever failed?

Now, back to Mark Twain and that lovely quote from him- “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” This quote is what started the fourth chapter of the book and it says a lot about the first love language- WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

Yes, the first love language is words of affirmation before we dive fully into the review (which we have already started by the way) I would like to mention that one of the nice things about this emotional love language is that it has different dialects. This makes it easier for us all because we can choose to speak as much of a dialect of the same language as we choose to.

One thing about this love language is that it can accelerate your partner into becoming a better version of them in every aspect of their life and to you. It is like a key that when used opens doors into great spaces in their life.

Some people are wired in such a way that they do even better when they are complimented.

If you have a partner whose emotional love language is words of affirmation, when you speak well of him at all times, and appreciate him in his presence or absence he tends to do even better because that way, his emotional needs are being met.

He said, "the object of love is not getting something that you want but doing something for the well-being of the one that you love." 

If then you can choose to make use of the different dialects of the word of affirmation, you will be filling your partner's love tank, and you will likely get the love that you also desire to have.

Some of the dialects of the Word of Affirmation as stated in the book are:

▪ Encouraging words

▪ Kind words

▪ Humble words and so much more.

Apart from the practical examples that were cited in this chapter, at the end of the chapter, the author also put various steps that you can take to make maximum use of this emotional love language especially if it is your love language or that of your partner.

My darling, you need to dive right into reading this book because it has nice solutions for problems faced in these marriages this day and for marriages and relationships that seem to be on the good side, I can tell you that it can always get better. But if you are still contemplating if this book is for you, then I will say that you let us walk the journey of this review till the end, and I am sure that by then you will be double sure that the book exists for you.

Join me next week as we talk about the second love language and till then stay giggy and remember (Lolonyo) love is beautiful so, let's nurture it.

I love you.

 

Today's review... We will be reviewing the second love language as stated by Gary Chapman in his book- The 5 Love Languages.

QUALITY TIME

I know that I might have made mention of this before, but I just have to say it again. I love the practicality of this book, you can make magic out of your marriage and relationship by making use of the practical examples shared in this book in the context of your marriage and relationship.

One thing that is peculiar to most humans is that we are not as good a listener as we should be. Most of the time, we want to pour out our hearts irrespective of what the other person is trying to say. Having a spouse or partner whose emotional love language is quality time might be a little problem and that is why you have to read this book- along with me or book review, just take your time to decide on when you want to start because not only does the book help you to know your love language and that of your partner it also gives you a practical and real-life illustration that you can work within your relationship with your spouse or partner.

Just like Words of Affirmation, Quality Time also has its dialects but even more than the Words of Affirmation, Quality Time has a special component- Togetherness.

In this chapter, I have come to realize that for a partner whose love language is Quality Time it isn't enough to say nice, honest, and kinds things to them. What matters most to them is the time you spend with them. They prefer to be together, with their partner doing nothing or something that they love than having thousands of good words being said to them.

You might be wondering why a person will just feel like sitting with their partner and both of them just talking and smiling and staring at each other. It might sound like a waste of time, but to the person with Quality Time emotional love language, it is not about their activity or inactivity with their partner but the mere fact that they are spending time together.

It is the togetherness and not just being in close proximity. Two people can be in the same room but not be together- they are only in close proximity If they are not doing anything together.

It has to do with more emotional connection than being in the same place.

According to the author "Quality Time does not mean that we have to spend our together moments gazing into each other's eyes. It means that we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other person."

Quality Time has two major dialects. They are:

☯Quality conversation

☯Quality activities 

It is important not to mix quality conversation with words of affirmation. Words of affirmation emphasize what we are saying while quality conversation emphasizes what we are hearing. That is why having a spouse with quality time love language and quality conversation as a dialect will require you to be a good listener.

The author also mentioned the two personality types that he observed;

The Dead Sea and The Babbling Brook.

Couples who are a mix of this two will have to learn some qualities to avoid problems in their marriage or relationship.

The individual with the Dead Sea personality will have to learn how to open up and talk while the individual with the Babbling Brook personality will have to learn how to listen.

The Quality Activity dialect involved doing what your partner loves to do with them. Remember, it is not the activities that matter but that you are making out time for your partner. In this book, three major ingredients are required;

1. At least one of you wants to do it,

2. The other is willing to do it,

3. Both of you know why you are doing it- to express love by being together.

You really should check the book for more practical steps.

I hope you enjoyed today's review as much as I did. Always remember Love is beautiful (Lolonyo) so, let us nurture it together.

 

 

The emotional love language we are reviewing today is another super interesting one. Do you know the way giving and receiving gifts is only done or mostly done during occasions? Great! I am glad to tell you that you might want to reconsider that point of view if you have a partner whose love language is Receiving Gifts.

Receiving Gifts

People who have their emotional love language to be receiving gifts will not feel loved if you decide to affirm them for the things they do. They will only feel loved if you gift them things that they want.

For them, a gift is a reminder of love. It is a symbol that shows them that you are thinking about them, a way to keep their love tank full.

For someone whose love language is not receiving gifts, you might find yourself thinking that buying and receiving gifts is a very weird way to feel loved, you probably see it as a waste of resources but to keep the light of love burning in your relationship, you have to learn this love language and your partner's specific dialect. The author mentioned that there is a need to improve on attitude about money and spending to be able to be an effective gift giver.

Yes, you read it well. Dialect.

This love language has two major dialects.

⚛The first is Gifts: Just like the love language. For some reason, you might think that what if you buy your partner the gift and he doesn't like it? How would you know what to get him or her? That's pretty easy, you have to become a better listener. By this, I mean paying attention to the things that they have mentioned showed interest in overtime, make a list of them, and voila! There you go.

While reading the book I was wondering what if I don't have the money or what if what my partner ever wants are super expensive? What will I do? How do keep his love tank full?

But the book explained further that not all gift has to be bought, or super expensive. And you don't have to buy your partner gifts every day if you can't afford to do it. You can give them some handmade gifts once in a while too.

⚛ The second dialect is The Gift of Self: this is a bit like quality time but for people that love gifts, they cherish the presence of their partners so much at significant moments. The author wrote "Physical presence is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts"

The slight difference between a person whose love language is quality time and the person whose love language is receiving the gift of self is that the former wants to spend most of their time with their partner and that is the only way they can feel loved  (given that they are not bilingual) while latter will feel loved when their partner is with them at significant moments in their life.

Also, good and practical examples are in the book for you to practice. Don't forget that the way to know your partner's love language is to pay attention to the thing he or she most complains about. Then do it.

Thank you so much, darling, for reading up to the end. Keep in mind that Love is beautiful (Lolonyo) and we can nurture it together. Let's do this again next week. I love you so much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello dear, how are you today? I hope you are doing exceptionally well?

Unlike the third love language- Receiving gifts which we reviewed last week, Acts of Service is a love language that requires thought, planning, time, effort, and energy and if done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love. Learning this love language will require us to re-examine our stereotypes of the roles of the male and female gender in a relationship. This Is the Love language that requires you to be of service to your partner.

I also found out that my love language is the Act of Service.

For people that have their love language to be Act of service, you find them helping out with chores. They love to clean, put things in order, and help to run errands. They are indirectly speaking their love language and would prefer to be shown love in that same way. One problem that transpires with an individual whose partner has this love language is that they are not aware of the love language and they have an imaginary image of how a family or relationship should work. The impression they have about relationships could have been there from childhood because of the way they saw their parents relate. For instance, a man that grew up watching his father help out with chores will see it as a normal thing to help his partner with chores, reverse will be the case for a man who even as a child never saw his father help out around the house.

 Just like every other emotional love language we have discussed, this love language has its dialect but to know your partner's dialect, you will have to ask your partner to tell you in specific terms what he or she would want you to do or you will watch out for the things that your partner complains about the most. That will give you a clue as to the dialect that your partner speaks.

In his experience with a couple he counseled, he was able to make three observations:

☑ what we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage.

☑ love is a choice and cannot be coerced.

☑ the criticism about a partner's behavior will provide him with the clearest clue to his partner's primary love language because people tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they have the deepest emotional need.

In this chapter of the book the author also warned against turning your partner into an inanimate object- a doormat, all for the sake of love. Manipulation by guilt, Coercion by force, should not be found in a relationship because we are creatures of emotion, thoughts, and desires. When a partner begins to feel like he or she is been treated like a doormat hatred begins to sit in. Hence, the destruction of that relationship. Nobody Likes to Be Used.

I hope you have discovered your love language so far. In case you haven't, we are not done yet so, be rest assured that you will discover your primary love language soon. I can't wait to do this with you again next week.

 

 

Hey darling, it took so long for me to write you again but I missed you. Also, I want to take this moment and every other one that comes after to say a very big thank you for always meeting me here to read what I write you. If not for you we would not have had a reason to celebrate Lolonyo's first anniversary. You mean so much to this family.

Ok! On today's book review series, nevertheless on our favorite book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. So far we have discussed the first four emotional love languages:

#1 words of affirmation

#2 quality time

#3 receiving gifts and

#4 act of service.

Today, we are moving on to the fifth love language-  

 

5. Physical Touch

With this emotional love, language comes a lot of some discussions that went on in the book that we might not be able to fully touch and that is why I can't wait for you to get a copy of this book.

You can purchase a copy at a pocket friendly prize. Here

Just like every other love language a spouse or partner with the emotional love language of physical touch will only feel exceptionally loved when they are touched physically.

Now let's clear some misconceptions about the physical touch.

1. Most people think that only the male gender possesses this love language. That is wrong, both males and females tend to have this love language.

2. Another thing people think of the physical touch is that it is all about sex. This also is wrong because some people feel loved when you hold their hand or hug them, some feel loved when you give them a rub on their back or kissed them, while some people feel loved when they make love with their partner. All these people still have the emotional language of physical touch, all it requires is that you understand your partner's dialect. As the author said about people with this love language "to touch my body is to touch me, to withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally" so you must come to understand the fact that if your partner is someone who loves to be touched then you will be doing yourself and your marriage or relationship a disadvantage if you were not speaking that love language.

 Disclaimer: Lolonyo is a community that promotes a Godly relationship so if you are not married be careful as to what part of this post you would take up as a practice. Sex and sexually related activities are not required of you and your partner until marriage.

It is very important to know that in touching your partner you have to understand what he or she wants. You cannot impose on your partner what you feel is physical touch to you. For instance, you have a partner whose dialect it is to be hugged and held by the hand but because you have noticed that your partner's love language physical touch you always approach him or her with sex, that is wrong. The best thing to do is to ask your partner how he or she would like to be touched.

For married couples, you can also try new ways of touching your partner and be attentive enough to know which one your spouse likes the most.

One very interesting thing about people whose love language is physical touch is that the partner can help them heal faster in a time of crisis. In the words of the author, 

"almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why? because the physical touch is a powerful communicator of love. And crisis provides a unique opportunity of expressing love. Your words may mean a little but your physical touch will communicate that you care." 

So, if you have a partner whose love language is physical touch never leave them alone when they are sad, hold them the way they like, and watch them love you forever.

I hope you got something from today's discussion and I am glad that we have been able to touch all five love languages. It has been a great journey with you.

See you next week when we talk about how to discover your love language. Till then, never forget that I love you and that love is beautiful (Lolonyo) so let us nurture it together.

 

let's continue our book review. Together, we have done a great job reviewing the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. We have seen each emotional love language and what each of them is all about. From Words of Affirmation to Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Act of Service, and Physical Touch. But what good will it be if after reviewing each love language you still can't tell which one is your primary love language? The great thing about this book is that the author has dedicated a whole chapter to tell us how to discover our primary emotional love language.

⚛ One thing that I have always mentioned about this book is how the author made sure that the book is based not only on hypothesis and research but on practical examples and his experiences as a counselor. For this reason, I will keep on advising that you get a copy of this book (soft or hard) and read through it yourself- it brings out the practicality of The Five Love Languages.

⚛ It is possible to follow the series up to this level and still find it a little difficult to pinpoint your primary emotional love language and the author made it easy by suggesting three ways to discover your primary emotional love language. But before diving into that, the author debunked a strong assumption that a lot of people still harbor in their minds to date- the assumption is that physical touch is the primary emotional love language of many men (even a lot of men think this is true)

☯ He (the author) cleared the air by explaining how the desire for sexual intercourse in men is physiological or has a physical root and how that in women has an emotional root. He said the desire for sex in men is due to their body makeup but a woman who feels loved and admired by her husband will desire to be physically intimate with him. In his words, "Sexual desire is quite different from his emotional needs to feel loved also, most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs."

⚜ My View: I must say that if an issue is going to be addressed it should be done with the right mindset and knowledge and this is what the author is trying to help us with here. 

⚛ Now to the three ways to discover your primary love language. You would have to ask yourself the following questions and write them down in order of importance for another important exercise.

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.

2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.

3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that would also make you feel loved. 

Disclaimer: this last approach is only a possible clue to your love language it is not an absolute indicator.

Also, you should have it at the back of your mind that most people are bilingual and it is important to know what your primary language is and that of your spouse too.

☯ The author also mentioned that two kinds of people may have difficulty discovering their primary love language:

♥ The first is the individual whose emotional love tank has been full for a long time her spouse has expressed love in many ways and she is not certain of which ways makes her feel most loved. She simply knows that she is loved.

♥ The second is the individual whose love tank has been empty for so long that he doesn't remember what makes him feel loved. In either case, the author advised that the individual go back to the experience of 'falling in love and ask herself/himself- what did I like about my spouse in those days?

♥ Another approach would be to ask what would be an ideal spouse to you. If you could have the perfect mate what would she be like?

⚛ After making a list of Your Love languages in the order of importance, sit down with your spouse or partner and discuss what you guessed to be his or her primary language then tell each other what you consider to be your primary language. Once the information has been shared he (the author) suggested that the tank check game be played three times a week. The game is played like this, when you come home one of you says to the other "On a scale of 0 to 10 how is your love tank tonight?" 0 means 'Empty' and 10 means 'I am full of love and I can't handle anymore.' After the question is asked, your spouse says what could I do to help fill it?

Then you suggest things you would like your spouse to do or say that evening. To the best of his ability, he will respond to your request then the process is repeated for your spouse.

⚜ My view: from the above suggestions on how to discover your primary language and the tank check game, a couple either married or in a relationship that takes their time to put down their love language and discuss it with each other then follow up with the game will be able to fill each other's love tank and as a result, get to know each other better. I must say this book is a Blast! 

Love is a Choice

You know those times you are seeing a movie and you feel like if you were in that same situation you will know exactly what to do or you would at least have an idea of what should be done (lol) Yes, I guess we have all been in that situation at a point in our life until we experience that thing personally and we see that making a choice is not as easy as you thought. Either way, you still try your best to do the right thing. Ok darling, let’s get right into today’s business. Loving someone can also be a thing of choice Love is a choice and this is what we will be talking about in today’s book review.

 

Haven discovered your primary emotional love language and that of your partner, it is not enough to think that bliss will automatically follow in your relationship. A question popped up at the end of the ninth chapter of this book- Discovering your primary love language and the author said he will shed more light on it in the next chapter. The question is “what if the love language of your spouse is something that does not come naturally for you?” What an interesting question. Just like every other chapter in this book the author was able to bring this concept of love being a choice into life by using true-life experiences that he has had through his years of counseling- you really should get a copy of this book and read it.

In the author’s words;

We are creatures of choice. That means that we can make poor choices, which all of us have done…

Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we must make them in the future…

Love doesn’t erase the past, it makes the future different…

With all that the author has said above, I see him helping us realize that no matter how bad we think a relationship has gone when partners choose to love each other regardless then things can always work out for them again.

 

When you are in the “in love” stage, you feel so important and on top of the world knowing that there is someone out there that loves you. Soon enough, you wake up to the reality of life and you begin to notice the imperfections of that person that once made you feel on top of the world. It is then your choice to make sure that as long as these imperfections are truly not red flags or pointers that the relationship is not healthy, you try your possible best to show love to your partner irrespective of what seems to be wrong. It might not be easy loving him or her despite the high demands placed on you, but the truth is that love is not supposed to be by instinct rather, it is supposed to come from a place of decision to make things work and give joy to your partner irrespective. The author did a great job answering this question by sharing the story of Brent and Becky (you should check it out). 

When you notice that your partner's love language is something that does not come to you naturally, do it anyways. It is a greater expression of love. It might not be easy but you need to realize that being in a relationship or marriage is not a buffet party where you get to pick what you want and leave out the ones you don’t want. To make things work to have to dig in totally and learn to groom each other in sincere love. To enjoy the true beauty of love, you have to nurture your relationship in true love.

Let’s meet again tomorrow my darling where we will talk about how love makes a difference. I look forward to having you on this 30-day journey with me. Till tomorrow know that I love you and that love is beautiful so, let us nurture it together.

It is a brand-new day my darling, how are you this morning? I hope you had a good night's rest? It is day 2 of our 30-day journey and just as we have been doing for the past weeks now, we will continue our book review series on the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Yesterday, we talked about love being a choice but before we go any further into today’s review, I will like to ask you a question “to your best understanding, do you think that love is the most important thing that can keep a relationship going? You can now go to the comment section and type in your answer before you continue reading. Nope! Don’t continue, answer first.

Today, we will be reviewing how love makes the difference according to the 5 love languages. We all grew up in different environments, faced different challenges, and fought different battles. Some of these battles we conquered, while some taught us hard lessons- lessons never to be forgotten. The difference in how we grew has shaped our perspective towards life, how we perceive others and how much value we place on ourselves. Despite whatever we are going through today having a partner that shows you love will make life a little more fun to live in. Just as the writer said:

“Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us.”

We must have it in mind that although love is not enough, it can make life feel better when experienced by your partner. 

As usual, the author made use of a couple to let us know that love truly makes a difference.  All you need to do is to understand the primary love language of your partner and speak it to them at all times, then wait and see how showing them love using their primary love language will make a difference. Love works when we are ready to make it work by doing the right things.