5 Tips on How to Survive a Relationship Breakup

It is so amusing how the term Breakup has been gradually replaced with Breakfast, especially in this part of the world. For the sake of our diverse readers, we will stick to the original term which is Breakup.

Many times when most people experience a breakup, it seems like the end of the world, especially in cases where they truly loved their partner. In most cases, ladies tend to cry while men stay sober and maybe drink so that they don’t feel the hurt, but the truth is that the hurt and pain still come back, bigger and harder. Most of the time, people tend to shut others out of their life and just remain on their own to feel the pain of breaking up.

While some people try to stay sober or drink or shut people out, some other people try to suppress the hurt that they feel and pretend as if nothing happened. One might think that is the best solution, but it is one of the worse things to do- not allowing yourself to feel the hurt of a breakup. Different people with different ways of dealing with their pains and hurt but in this post, I will be giving 5 tips on how to survive a breakup well and good.

Allow Yourself to Feel the Hurt but Not for Long 

It is very normal to think of our past relationship or ex even after your breakup with them and thoughts like this always come back, especially at times you are just on your own or you see the things or go to places where you both have been to. It is not wrong that after your breakup with your partner, you feel pained and sad. The pain will even be harder for someone who already has big plans and loads of expectations for the relationship and from their partner. But like I mentioned above, it is not good to try to push aside the pain and behave as if no shit just happened in your life. In the long run, things might keep getting out of hand. It is good to feel the pain, and cry if you need to. It is good to let out your emotions and not suppress them. As good as it is to let out your emotions, it is best not to allow yourself to spend forever in the past. The relationship is gone, and now in the past, so it is best to let it be, and move on. Hard as this may seem, it is one of the best ways to survive a relationship breakup. Feel the pain but know when to cut it off.

Focus on You

Breakups are so hard that they may want to take everything from you. Break up is ready to strip you of any strength you think you possess but the best thing to do at this time is to make yourself the priority. This is a very good time to not only focus on yourself but also pick up new hobbies, take yourself on a picnic, travel to new places if you can afford it, set new goals for yourself, exercise, take a course, volunteer, just have fun. While having fun and enjoying life the best way you can, make sure that you remind yourself of who you are, and say nice and positive things about yourself. Speaking words of affirmation to yourself, words that tell you how much you are loved will help you pull through the tough moments after a relationship breakup. As much as this is a time to have all the ‘me time’, all the fun, and discover new things about yourself, this isn’t the right time to jump into a new relationship. It is best to give yourself ample time to recover and heal from the breakup and all the insecurities and fear that might have come with it. Most people drag themselves into the same cycle of breakup over and over again because they feel lost and broken as an individual and I feel like having a partner or being in a relationship will heal them. Give your inner man the time to catch up on the fun things that could not be done when you had your ex in your life.

Reach out to Family and Friends

As much as this is the time to focus on you, it is also a good time to bond with your friends and family members, have all the time you can with them, and catch up on things that you couldn’t do while you were in that previous relationship.  During this time, have fun and go out with your friends, attend family functions, and spend time with your parents, siblings, and other extended family members. Help out and be useful. By doing this, you might be making them smile, thereby, making yourself happy too. Also, when you spend time with your friends and family, they help you to get over this period of pain by showing you love and care and letting you know that you are not alone. Bond!

Learn from Your Experience

After a breakup, it is good to let the past dwell in the past, but also better to learn from your past mistakes. Something that you and your ex did or didn’t do might have led to the breakup. It is better to use this to your advantage so that such mistakes will not repeat themselves in your future relationship. You can achieve this through the power of questioning. How to do this is to ask yourself a series of questions that will help you look deep into how you played your role and how your partner played his or her role and where it all went wrong. Sometimes, doing this alone might be hard as it will open up memories of the relationship hence, you should do this with the help of a therapist, coach, or counselor. They will be able to help you better trace the happenings in your life and past relationships and join the dot till you can make sense of it. In this way, you will also be able to heal from the hurt and insecurities that came out of the relationship with you. This will also help you to know how to be a better partner in your new relationship.

Move on 

n the process of trying to get over your breakup, different memories will surely come to mind. It might come from you seeing pictures of the person, you going somewhere that you have been with the person, or just seeing the person pass. Different things can spring up the thought of the person even silence. When these memories flash through your mind, you might be tempted to start stalking them on their social media account or stalking the person physically. You might even find yourself wanting to force yourself on them and this isn’t a good one to do. In other to get over these feelings, it is better to make sure that you constantly remind yourself why that relationship was no more conducive for you both and you must try to wave all the memories of the person when they come up in your mind. Although it is good to be on good terms with your ex, (depending on what caused the breakup) if you think seeing them will make things worse for you, it is better to unfollow them on your social media account and try to get rid of things that might remind you of them pending the time that you are trying to get hold of yourself.

 

Conclusion

Getting over a breakup isn’t a very easy thing to do, but it is a very good thing to do to avoid more of it repeating itself. Pay attention to yourself and your growth at this moment,  make sure that you trace the dots and observe the patterns so that you won’t have to make the same mistake time and time again.

5 Major Turn-offs to Avoid in Your Relationship

People meet and fall in love, they get to know each other a little more, start a relationship and continue to get to learn about each other. At first when they meet they don’t know all about each other but as they proceed in their relationships, they get to see the good and bad side of their partner. The different things that they notice about each other will determine if they will continue the journey together as a couple or go their separate ways. If they will not continue their relationship both individuals or at least one of them will have noticed the turn-offs or what some people call red flags in the relationship.

Hello darling, how are you today? Day 5 and we are still moving on. I appreciate that you are always here to learn more about how to have a great relationship. 

Although it differs for different people, there can be a whole lot of turn-offs in your relationship. In today’s post, we will be looking at 5 major turn-offs to avoid in your relationship. We have classified the turn-offs to be discussed majorly because they are the most common ones found in relationships and they can easily ruin a relationship.

1. Lack of Effective Communication

The inability to communicate effectively can be a major turn-off in your relationship. There are situations where one partner is not letting the other speak, it might also be a case where there is too much talking and no listening. In another case, it might be that one of them is not showing interest in what the other has to say. Whichever one of them you notice in your relationship, try to solve by first calling the attention of your partner to it then try to look at how you both can make things right.

2. Value Clashes

Two individuals come together to start a relationship but they are still in some ways different individuals that have different perspectives and views of life. The saying “one man’s food is another man’s poison” is also relevant in relationships. Because you and your partner have experienced life differently before starting a relationship there might be habits and behaviors that are tied to his or her values that you didn’t notice at first and if not taken care of by discussing it with each other can lead to the end of the relationship.

3. Getting Disconnected from God

This is a major turn-off in any relationship.  Considering that this community emphasizes nurturing Godly relationships and marriage, it would be wrong if we didn’t talk about it. To enjoy your relationship as a true child of God, you and your partner have to be on the same page when it comes to the things of God. This is so that you will not have unnecessary clashes, will be able to draw strength from the right source and support each other and support each other in times of need. In a situation where you notice a lukewarm attitude in your partner’s spiritual life, instead of nagging or not talking about it at all, try to pray for and with them and lead them by your own words and actions.

4. Lack of Integrity

For a relationship to work, both partners have to be fully accountable to themselves and each other. Lack of integrity leads to distrust between partners because a guy who knows that his partner’s yes has never truly been yes will find it hard to believe her even when she truly means Yes. For any relationship to flourish the couple must trust each other and know that they can hold each other to their word. Failure to deal with dishonesty and lack of integrity in your relationship will lead to the turn-off of your relationship.

5. The Feeling of Entitlement

A sense of entitlement is a personality characteristic based on the belief that someone deserves special treatment or recognition for something that they didn’t earn, this is just one of many definitions out there. In other words, the person believes that the world or someone owes them without ever or rarely giving anything in return. This kind of mindset can manifest in a person’s attitude in different aspects of a relationship; finances, acts of service, time and attention, you name it. No matter what form it takes, entitlement is a toxic trait that will cause strain in the relationship. A person with an entitled partner, after so much giving and so little receiving with almost nagging and arguments will eventually grow weary of them and could fall out of love with their partner if the entitlement mindset isn’t properly dealt with.

 

Conclusion

With all these points that we have discussed above, I hope that you will be on the lookout for these turnoffs and turn them off before they turn your relationship off. (lol). Till tomorrow my darling, have it in mind that love is beautiful and we can nurture it together. I love you.

Book Review: My Minimalist Wedding by Blessing Abeng & Uwem

My Minimalist wedding is simply described as a guide to pulling off a 100 guest wedding with a 2 million Naira plus budget in Nigeria. 

First, here’s a shoutout to Cowrywise for gifting us this book in February 2022. 

One thing the book is that it calmed “my fears” if it’s proper to call them fears.

Two, the book is an adjustable template. The numbers, prices and everything else can actually

Also, the realities of the book are relatable. Man has the ability to adapt and  to bring the best results

No matter how wealthy you are, your pockets have limits. This is why budgets are made. 

Another beautiful thing I loved about this book is its practicality. Every action had practical points

As I wrap up this review, if you’re wondering why I’m writing a review on Blessing and Uwem’s “My Minimalist Wedding”, I can’t help your thoughts😂🫠. I’m sorry I can’t say if you’re right or wrong but whatever the case is, you’d be fine😂😃.

How to Validate your Partner during Difficult Conversations

In every relationship, you must come to terms with the fact that you will have difficult conversations.

Say statements like
I hear you, please continue
I see how that hurt you. I really want us to work on that issue
I know this is hard for you to express; Please continue.
I hear you and I understand your need. I want us to find a way that works for both of us.
Thanks for sharing your feelings, needs and thoughts.

How to get over the Pressure of Getting Married during Dating

If you go into a relationship and it takes a long while before marriage, it is likely that you begin to feel pressure from different quarters. You begin to hear questions like "Why did you go into a relationship when you knew it would take this long to get married?"

When this happens,

How Can You Tell If You're Ready To Get Married?

 

Dating God

Many people have an idea of the things you should know or must have attained as a man before you go into a relationship, most of which are assumptions and conclusions made by societal standards that we see everyday. True as they may be, there's the position of your relationship with God as far as your past and present is concerned. Before you go into a relationship, you should understand the lady  from the standpoint of God and that's the reason why you MUST date God before you date her. Dating God here thus means establishing a firm relationship with God first, before embarking on another with your spouse.

 

In Mark 12:28-34,

    28: And one of the scribes came, and having heard them reasoning together, and perceiving that he had answered them well, asked him, Which is the first commandment of all?

    29: And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord:

30: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.

    31: And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

    32: And the scribe said unto him, Well, Master, thou hast said the truth: for there is one God; and there is none other but he:

    33: And to love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the soul, and with all the strength, and to love his neighbour as himself, is more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.

    34: And when Jesus saw that he answered discreetly, he said unto him, Thou art not far from the kingdom of God. And no man after that durst ask him any question.

Verse 30 clearly explains that it is first needed to love the Lord with all of a man's heart and his totality. It extends to define that no other form of sacrifice can be compared to the sacrifice of love. While Jesus amended the commandments into love- loving God and then others, He implied that a man cannot love his fellow being without first loving God. It also explains in extension that the proof that a man truly loves God is expressed in his love for other individuals.

Oppositely today, there is no "one on one relationship" with the father. Life will be more interesting and simple if we get more intimate with God. The reason why we have half baked Christian couples as seen in Hosea 8 is because there is no love for the father. There is a void in every man that only God can fill and there is a void in God that only man can fill. This is one reason why a relationship between man and God must exist- John 3:16

 

God proposed his love to us by sending his son to die for us and the only part that we have to play is by loving him back. "WE must have the consciousness of the love of God where ever we go and in whatever we do". Dating God is not just an act, it is a full commitment. Dating God means loving God.

In our relationship with the father, we have to do it in such a way that we don't want to hurt the father. If you are not conscious of the fact that God loves you, you will suffer. In this relationship with the father we are not allowed to cheat.

In your relationship today, share the love of God with her that you may please the father. Keep telling him that you love Him and show him your commitment. He shall keep you.

Ephesians 5:24-27, James 2:5, JOHN 14:15

Understanding Conflicts in Your Relationship

Mere bonding does not form the basis for love. It involves a lot more. This is one reason why we can conclude that healthy relationships are not conflict free but are conflict resolving. The tongue and the teeth, though occupants in the same room still conflict. The problem with conflict most times is that we fight for victories instead of fighting for solutions and in the end, one wins while the other loses. In this case, a relationship suffers. On the other hand, if we conflict for solutions and not victories, we build each other in the long run.

For the psychologist, he may prescribe a million conflict handling lifestyles. For another, there may be no better means to play out a conflict, or no best roles to take. There may also be no blames to share or guilt to pour. However, here are a few things to note about the nature of conflicts and how to end them positively.

Firstly, note that Differences and Conflicts are Inevitable- The average relationship difference brings many people together. This makes conflicts a norm in our daily lives. All relationships experience them too because they are potentially beneficial to the conflicting parties and can grow great relationships if handled properly. Conflicts should therefore be seen and approached as a normality to optimise the better possibilities they contain.

Also, there are many ways to handle conflicts to ensure that everyone wins in the end.

a. The Avoid Style- Individuals in this category ensure that they let sleeping dogs lie. They are usually afraid of confrontation, especially when the other partner is hot tempered and loud in actions. Unfortunately, they do not understand that they merely bury these feelings only for them to rise up alive along the line. Offences accumulate,unfinished businesses erupt and unaddressed issues multiply. These in turn rocks the relationship and tears it apart, usually leaving physical and emotional casualties.

b. The Approach-Assert Style- Here, the individual is basically concerned with the overall goodwill of the relationship. As such, he feels that no price is high too sustain a relationship. Usually, they are very sensitive to the feelings of others while they choose to still deal directly with burning and important issues. They avoid blaming, confront the issue and not the individual, and  may invite others (a third party, usually their joint mentor) to partner with them in solving the conflict issue.

c. The Attack Style- These are the "pepper them gang" who follow the trend of "get them before they get you" mentality in relationships. As a result, they never choose to give in and inflict terminal injury on their minds. Also, attack usually begets counterattack, so both sides dig in and none gets something tangible out in the end.

d. The Peace Maker Style: The final style is for those who will try to make sure no conflict/argument arise. They fight so that nothing scatters. However, in the case it does not work according to their plan, they are usually first to say the I am sorry words. When scriptures mention... Blessed are the peace makers.... You find them here... They are similar to the second category.

To dwell on the Peace makers, the only problem is the fact that many people have abused the use of "sorry" such that they use it and expect a quick response from the people we say it to. In cases like this, you find out that people could file multiple allegations against their partners (or other people they have offended and hurt) and they expect them to let go because they have "said sorry". Here, you understand that there is a huge difference between being sorry and saying sorry.

It is better to be sorry than to say sorry and it is okay to keep quiet if you are not sorry than to utter the word and keep up with the same actions that hurt other people. It helps you learn to value other people's feelings and not place premium on only your feelings. The world cannot thrive with only you in it and you definitely need to place value on people around you because they make life enjoyable. Placing value on people in this case includes respecting them not by kneeling or prostrating to greet them but by respecting their core values that makes them who they are.

It is wrong to align with unforgiveness and emotional manipulation in a relationship. If any partner has these thoughts at heart, it will be almost impossible to understand and resolve conflicts. As an individual, you must be able to stand for whatsoever you have done, whether good or bad. You must take responsibility and make amends in the case where you need to. Making mistakes is a constant part of our lives and partners must  learn to habdle their mistakea without blaming or manipulating each other for it. Learning from mistakes is a conscious effort to living responsibly and being at peace with all men - Romans 12:18 and Hebrews 12:14

Partners should also consciously groom their minds to move on from any form of hurt by each other without necessarily expecting them to come crying and apologise or say sorry. Doing this is safe for your mental health and well being and in the worst case scenerio of a heartbreak (as in our articles on managing a heartbreak and moving on from your ex), you can properly manage it. 

You should also learn to draw the line to avoid a bigger outburst of emotions that both parties will never recover from. No matter how close you are to anybody, there is a thin line of RESPECT that must never be crossed. In our article on who deserves respect the most in a relationship, we discussed the true definitions of respect but sadly, respect is defined by actions (especially in this side of the world) like calling people with titles, kneeling or prostrating to greet and similar actions. While these things may matter in minute ways, the way you treat people whether or not you need anything from them is what matters most. Also, true respect includes that you do not treat people based on the favour or material value you get from them today. Everyone deserves to be adequately respected. At the same time, give people space when you find them disrespecting you. In most cases, these people come to emotionally blackmail you and make you feel guilty instead of accepting that they made a mistake and are willing to correct it. 

Finally, accepting a mistake instead of blaming anyone (even the devil) requires a level of emotional maturity. "Saying sorry" does not get into the heart of the kindhearted but "being truly sorry" can break and pierce the toughhearted.

Above all, resolving conflicts in any relationship is a thing more spiritual than physical. We should be conscious of the fact that the enemy never wants joy, so he births strife among men. Psychology can only explain, and at most, link them to temperaments. But a lasting solution to arguments and conflicts lies in prayer and a constant "walk in the spirit"

All you may need to avert a terrible argument could be to send a text at the right time, or to give a better response to a question.... Just something little.

Galatians 5:14-1514: For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”15: If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.