How to Lead a more Spiritual Partner

It is very possible for a female partner to be more spiritually mature than her male partner. Especially if the man became a true follower of Christ many years after her. I’ve been a poor leader of my family, especially in spiritual matters. But by the grace of God I’m growing in my faith, and I’m slowly starting to take the reins of leadership in my family. My wife’s discernment, desire, and dependence on the Lord are incredible examples, and I often ask her advice and discernment in my search and reading through Scripture. So how can I better lead her?”

Let’s start with the foundations:

Hidden, But Now Revealed

The husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:23–25) 

Now that’s all very, very radical in every culture on planet Earth. It is a restoration of what God established in the garden of Eden and a transformation of the mess that the relationship became after the fall. It recaptures what God originally designed, and it redeems what was ruined in that design by sin. That’s the point of Ephesians 5: it restores headship or leadership, and it transforms that leadership by modeling it on the self-giving love of Christ for his church.

“God’s design of male and female, from the beginning, included this glorious destiny.” Tweet Share on Facebook
When Paul was finished in Ephesians 5, describing the relationship of husband and wife in this recovered and renewed dynamic, he said in verse 32, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” So, the mystery of marriage refers to Christ and the church. And the reason he calls marriage a mystery is not that it can’t be understood, but that it was kept secret for thousands of years, and has now been most fully revealed in relation to Jesus and his church.

In other words, the secret that human marriage is modeled on the coming relationship between the incarnate, crucified, risen Son of God and his blood-bought bride, the church, is mysterious. That’s the meaning of the mystery or the secret. There were hints of it, the mystery, in the Old Testament because God called himself the husband of Israel. But this full-blown pattern of Christ and the church is a new revelation and very radical in every culture on the planet.

Christ and His Church in View
The reason that calling marriage a mystery is relevant right here is because it tells us that when God created man as male and female, he already had in view Jesus Christ and his church as the model for Adam and Eve and all marriages to follow. This means that the wisdom of God created male and female in such a way, with such male and female natures, that in their most godly manifestations, they would rejoice in and flourish in the living out of Christlike headship and church-like submission. He made them that way; that’s the mystery. It was the model from the beginning.

The distinct calling of each of them would fit their created design. The calling would fit the design. They would be perfectly suited for this dynamic of leadership and submission. In other words, calling this relationship a mystery in Ephesians 5 assures us that God’s design of male and female, from the beginning, included this glorious destiny of the man echoing Christ in his role as husband, and the woman echoing the church in her role as wife.

Governed by Infinite Wisdom
And one of the reasons I’m stressing this is that I want you to have a clear sense of why you are called to lead your wife even when she is superior to you in significant ways. What is your calling to lead rooted in? Because if you don’t get that clear, you’ll probably just bail on this and say, “Well, there’s no point in trying to do this.”

And I don’t want you to say, “Well, the reason I am called to lead is because I am called to lead.” There are a lot of people today who more or less take that position: men should lead their families on the basis of the fact that men should lead their families. Or to put it another way: God says in the Bible that men should lead their families because men should lead their families.

I want to discourage you from thinking that God flipped a coin in the garden of Eden when he was deciding about leadership in the home. I want to encourage you not to think that God said, “Well, here we have two human beings that I have made. There’s nothing about them as I have created them that would make it fitting or especially beautiful for either one to always be the leader. I have not made them that way. Nothing about their male or female differences makes it better or more fitting that one should be the leader. But I want somebody to be the leader, so let’s flip a coin. Heads — Adam leads. Tails — Eve leads.” Flip. Heads — there you go. It’s settled for all history and codified in a book. God said so. “This is the way it’s going to be because I say so. I flipped a coin.” I don’t want you to think that.

“You should feel a uniquely masculine burden that the buck stops with you.” Tweet Share on Facebook
I think that notion of why you should lead, because God just flipped a coin or God said so, dishonors, discredits the wisdom of God. I don’t think God decides anything by flipping a coin — ever — for the simple reason that if he did, he controls which way the coin lands every time. There’s no point in flipping the coin. God never does anything whimsically or randomly — ever — because he’s governed always by infinite wisdom.

“O Lord, how manifold are your works! In wisdom have you made them all” (Psalm 104:24). That’s what you do. His decisions always reflect the profound suitableness and beauty of what he decides. That applies to the decision that husbands are called to be the leaders of their wives, and we’re both fitted to these distinct callings.

Lead from Below

So, here we are at your question, and you were pointing out that it doesn’t necessarily look like you are especially fitted for leadership, and she especially fitted for submission. You say that she is spiritually more mature than you are, and that her discernment, desire, dependence on the Lord are wonderful examples for you. So, how are you going to lead her?

By being thankful and expressing thankfulness to her and to others that she is as mature and discerning and godly as she is — and by not being the least intimidated or resentful of it. That’s your first job: confident, Christ-exalting thankfulness that you have such a wife. Oh my, what a gift.

And realize that what makes your leadership fitting and beautiful is not your superior knowledge, or your superior wisdom, or your superior insight, or your superior language skills.

She may be ahead of you in all of that, and yet the fitness of your leadership is still firmly in place. I’m not denying that knowledge and wisdom and the ability to speak are helpful in exercising leadership, but they’re not the essence of it. No, no, no, no, they’re not. Nor are they the essence of what a godly woman hopes for in her husband’s leadership. The essence of this God-given call on your life as husband is a mature, loving sense that you bear a primary responsibility for the relationship.

Special Kind of Care
Let me say that again because that’s the heart of the matter: the essence of the fitness for your leadership is that you sense a call, because it’s there from God for every man — a mature, loving sense that you bear a primary responsibility for this relationship, especially the flourishing of the spiritual life of the relationship. You should feel a uniquely masculine burden that the buck stops with you for making this relationship work. When anything is not working in this relationship, you feel the primary responsibility to get it fixed — even if she has the wisdom to fix it, and you ask her to use it.

God created men to bear this burden of mature, loving, Christlike, primary responsibility for the relationship. She has her responsibilities, but you take special initiative and bear primary responsibility before God that God’s pattern be joyfully fulfilled. That’s your calling. And it does not depend on being her superior; it depends on faith, and courage, and initiative, and sacrifice.

5 Ways to Maintain a Praying Lifestyle in Your Relationship

The absence of prayer does great harm to any individual, group, or thing.

Here are 5 simple ways to maintain a praying lifestyle in your relationship.

1. Prioritise Prayer

Yes, I know that you are very busy. You need to dress for work, earn more to cater for your family, cook, dress up your children for school and other chores. I am aware. Nevertheless, if you prioritize prayer, you will make time for it. The problem is clearly not lack of time, it is lack of priority. Prioritize prayer more and you will create time for it.

2. Use a To-Do List

To-do list is not just for a particular set of people, everybody needs it - including you. To-do lists will help you to direct your time and know what to do per time.

To prepare one, you only need to write all you need to do and attach the exact time that you desire to do each of the chores. Write one and include prayer in it.

 

Read: 5 Ways to Effectively Pray with Your Partner

3. Use Prayer Prompts/Set Alarms

"What if I wrote prayer in my to-do list and forget to pray at that particular time or get carried away by other house chores?"

Is that your question? I will answer it now.

Every phone has alarms. Use it to maintain prayerfulness by setting alarms for that particular time you have written as your prayer hour.

4. *PRAY ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE.*

Sometimes ago, I thought I could only pray on my knees with my eyes closed. My mentor then taught me that I can also pray even if I'm busy with other things.

That is, I can pray with my eyes open and my hands busy with other things like cooking, baking and other chores.

What if you need to cook or attend to your baby during your prayer hour, do both simultaneously!

5. Pray Together

Family devotion is also a great time to pray. Ensure to pray together as a family first thing in the morning and last thing before you sleep daily. Even though it is corporate (and not personal time with GOD), it will also help you to maintain prayerfulness.

The devil is trying to wage war against godly relationships and one way he is successfully doing this is by attacking the prayer lives of individuals in beautiful relationships.

Privacy in a Relationship

Have you ever thought of having privacy in your relationship? Is privacy even allowed in a relationship- whether courting or married?

 At certain points in our life and our relationship, we all want that alone time which might seem to our partner as if we are hiding something. This request might get them worked up that they might even start to feel insecure. The truth that we all know is that “too much of everything is bad.” How then will you know if you are getting overly worried about your partner asking for privacy or you asking for too much privacy?

There is a thin line between privacy and secrecy. Let’s see what both of them means:

According to the English dictionary:

 Privacy 

-The state of being secluded from

Presence, sight, or knowledge of others.

Secrecy

-Concealment; the condition of being secret or hidden.

Secret 

-A piece of knowledge that is

Hidden or intended to be kept hidden.

Too much privacy can be said to be secrecy. Too little privacy on the other hand can lead to relational claustrophobia.

Privacy and secrecy are closely related siblings, but privacy is definitely needed as humans- it is a basic human need. Without a private life, we possibly cannot shut out the world, withdraw from our social life and get to discover who we are and who we can be-when nobody is observing us.

Secrecy on the other hand is intentionally hiding information from someone. We can say that secrecy is characterized by the feelings of shame because we feel bad about that act that we committed, fear because we are afraid that letting out what we have done thinking it will lead to the loss of our loved ones- especially our partner, guilt because of what people will say about us, weakness because we feel what happened might be used against us later, and so much more. If you are feeling shame or fear or guilt about any particular thing you are not sharing with your spouse, chances are that you are being secretive not private.

For example, “I watch pornography and I have some part of my sex life that I haven’t told you about…” would be a secret if you are hiding it from your partner for the fear of losing or upsetting him or her.

Why Should I Have a Private Life or Privacy in My Relationship…

Like I stated above, privacy is a basic human need. Without privacy we cannot truly know our self. In a relationship or marriage, your privacy has to be shared with your partner and children (if any). Without a private life, you and your partner will lose yourself. In the early stages of a relationship - during the honeymoon stage there is a merging of you and your partner to become one tightly close entity. You form a bond so close that you go from ‘me to we’. It is no news that merging is an essential part of falling in love.

However, there is a time where you move out of the honeymoon stage into the crisis stage, at this point, staying merged with each other becomes a very big issue. In other to have a good relationship, having a private life is essential. Having a private life is the healthy expression of your personal boundaries.

Apart from this having a private life helps you to think and make decisions for your personal life. Every now and then you need to free yourself and your partner by giving each other space to do the things you loved doing. Privacy looks like this: Michael gets back from work and Janet has been waiting to tell him how her day went and seeing Michael, Janet started her story in excitement, but after couple of minutes, he asks her to give him time to rest and think about what went on in his own day. Of course, this would not have been a problem if it had not happened consistently for a week. Now Janet thinks Michael is seeing someone else, and lack of trust sets in. Only if Janet would understand that Michael only needed time to be alone and get something straight, and only if Michael would understand the importance of effective communication in every relationship. 

Did I in any way say privacy can lead to disaster? Yes!

At every point in a relationship, it is essential that both partners communicate effectively.

See:Tips for Effective Communication 

When it comes to privacy, it is essential to let your partner know what it is that you really want so that you won’t leave them confused or let them start assuming. Some people have some things that are super personal to them, these things are for them alone (even though they are in a relationship). Some individuals will never let you go through the messages on their phones, some would get super upset if they find you going through their journals. This does not make them secretive neither does it make them a bad person, it is just that they hold these things in high esteem and would feel naked if someone goes through them (I have heard people say they feel this way).

Is this supposed to eat into your relationship? No!

That is why there is a need for effective communication, if you don’t like your partner going through your stuff or asking you over and over again if you have done what you said you will do or calling you when you are out to confirm if you are where you said you were going to? then let them know that you don’t like it. On the other hand, if your partner said to you that he or she doesn’t like you going through his or her phone, no matter how much you want to think they are hiding something from you, try not to. That is the time to trust them no matter what.

In every relationship trust is essential.

Is it good or bad to tell your partner some things that they do not know about your past?

Without naming anything good or bad, I will say it essential that your partner knows everything that goes on with you, good or bad, this does not equate to you being totally in their face all the time. This just means building trust and transparency. When you tell your partner about something that happened to you, there is a very high tendency that they love, respect and trust you even more, because they feel like you opening up to them means that they mean so much to you. Never always assume that if you tell your partner something, they automatically would hate you for it, I am not saying it will go well all the time, there might be times where they would have to internalize the information you gave them and that might take a while but give them ample time- they will come around.

The best ways to discuss sensitive issues with your partner is to:

• talk it when they are not in a bad mood or when they are tired

• talk about it when they are less busy or when they are not doing the fun stuff that they love to do

• talk about it in a very sincere way such that they are not feeling that you are still hiding something

• talk about it with the right facial expressions and tone

 

If you are able to this, things should go well. Don’t forget to pray and tell God to take control too. Transparency is key, hiding something from your partner only for them to find out somewhere else will not only hurt or break them but it will make them loose the trust they had in you. However, when talking about sensitive things with your partner, it is important to know that has much has you want to be sincere you are also given only needed information and not extreme ones that can hurt them. Example, it is ok to tell your partner that you have a crush on your boss but too much to tell your partner that you like your boss because, he is tall and handsome and he has a deep and sexy voice. If your partner doesn’t ask for the details, kindly stick to the fact and truth, make it short.

Albeit, transparency is key and essential in every relationship, there are still some things that you should key away from your partner, at least for the main time:

• Surprises

• Another person’s secret that you are not to disclose

• Your nakedness (if you are not married)

Conclusion

Privacy is needed in every relationship, but secrecy is like a cancer in a relationship. Both partners should communicate effectively their boundaries to each other (if any) and each one of them should trust the other. Transparency is key in your relationship, there is no need to hide anything, just be wise about it and tell your partner.

How Two Become One

When God formed Eve out of Adam’s side and gave a reason for the creation of the marriage union, He also gave a summary of how a marriage and relationship is to function and what it is to birth.

This means first that marriage is an exclusive union between one male and one female. This also represents God’s original, pure definition of marriage.

Marriage forms a unique family unit. The building block of society, in God’s view, is the family unit. The nucleus of this family unit is the husband-wife relationship.

 

Marriage is meant to be the most intimate, fulfilling relationship that two people can experience. God’s Word describes marriage as a man and woman uniting to become one flesh. This is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” - Genesis 2:24

After marriage, they are no longer simply two single individuals, but now the two make one unit, one couple. This does not mean that God’s joining of two people means that either one of them lose their individuality. They remain two separate people with distinct personalities, and with individual needs and desires. However, when we choose to join with another in marriage, we focus on the “we” and “ours”, rather than on “me” and “mine”. It is then that the Two Become One Journey begins properly. Partners become one body with God at this time so It would not be wise to take care of only part of your body and neglect the rest, else, the neglected part would suffer and cause the entire body to suffer too. 

Symbolically, a couple becomes one formally at their wedding ceremony, but learning to actually live as one does not happen instantly through the simple exchange of vows. This is one of many reasons why there is a courtship period to begin a bonding process. Since man fell, selfishness set in, making humans tend to be more concerned with our own comfort and happiness than with that of others. This is why we hear it said often that “marriage takes work”. 

Marriage is designed to be the closest possible relationship on the human plane. According to, Brown-Driver-Briggs Hebrew Lexicon, the word translated as “joined” in the New King James Version is the Hebrew word dabaq, which means “to cling, stick, stay close, cleave, keep close, stick to or to stick with”. This describes the close emotional bond that should develop between a husband and wife. Christ later explained this by saying, “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder” (Mark 10:9). Except in some circumstances where divorce is permitted, God’s standard is that marriages are to stay intact until death (Romans 7:2) and that husband and wife are to become “one flesh.”

Thus, Partners are one unit and they are to think and act in unity, expressing a level of mutual care and love for each other that is deeper than any other human relationship (Ephesians 5:22-33).

Intimacy

As discussed earlier, God designed marriage to be the most intimate relationship that two people can have. It is through that intimacy that two become one. Intimacy can be shared in different ways as shall be discussed in subsequent paragraphs.

Firstly, Emotional intimacy helps parties in a relationship to be willing to get exposed emotionally to one another. That way, you can be vulnerable and allow your partner to see the fragility of your emotions. Partners should never take advantage of emotional intimacy by attacking each others vulnerable areas. Each partner should protect the other partner's emotions. A relationship should be a place where each partner feels safe enough to be open about feelings.

Again, Spiritual intimacy is less thought of as a kind of intimacy, however, partners are meant to become one in many areas, even spiritually. They should each put Christ at the center of their marriage. Prayer, Bible study, and worship are great means to have an intimate relationship with Christ, so when two people share these things, they are drawn closer together. Partners need to pray for one another and spend time in prayer together. Taking time each day for a devotion or Bible study is a great way to bond together and to join with God in an intimate way.

Another is Physical intimacy. There is nothing more intimate that sexual intercourse. Through sexual intimacy, a couple becomes physically one, just as God designed. Couples should express physical intimacy outside the bedroom as well. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and even just being playful are all forms of intimacy. A simple touch can communicate love, concern, compassion, appreciation, support, or understanding. 

However, please note that Sexual intimacy before and outside of marriage is wrong. It is only right when both parties are lawfully married so it is advised that courting couples should instead build emotional and spiritual intimacy. Sex, in the Bible, is described as a very pure act when it is practised within the marriage union. It is designed to physically and emotionally bond a married couple (1 Corinthians 7:2-4) and for reproduction (Genesis 9:7; Malachi 2:15).  On the other hand, emotional intimacy can be a much deeper connection than sexual intimacy. Also, sexual relationships do not always lead to emotional intimacy, but connecting with someone emotionally first, often leads to sexual intimacy (later in marriage). Again spiritual intimacy helps you build stamina to withdraw from sexual mishaps that could come while courting.

Intimacy on all levels should be reserved for your partner. If by the way, you need the support of someone else, then confide in a family member, a trusted friend of the same-sex, or seek the counsel of a pastor or counselor. Becoming one with your partner means that you put them and the relationship above all else, so honor your spouse and the relationship.

How to Secure Happiness in your Relationship

There is this feeling and want to talk to really old couples who are still alive and holding up together, happily. I want to ask what was able to put them together and sustain them - what they did, say or feel that made them unrelenting and extravagant in love. I want to also know how they held back from cheating on their partner and never got tired. I believe that there has to be a hack to this thing that stands relationships and marriages out.

Our generation has seen and gone through a lot that true love and commitment seems like a facade to anyone who hears it. Family is also becoming a thorn to young people out there who want to be independent at the slightest opportunity they get. Many people have seen through life that they would question true love and be very sensitive to the slightest things. They probably say that a happy couple is faking it or “you don’t know what they are going through” because there’s an image that makes us believe people can’t be genuinely happy in a relationship. Also, we somewhat try to see it like someone has to meet up with the other because we are scared to go the extra mile so as not to be seen as cheap or the one who’s doing the most. Meanwhile, when Jesus died for us in this love relationship, He was doing the most.

Of a truth, not everyone is happy. People go through abusive relationships and still appear happy but there are still people who go through really sweet relationships and have the time of their lives.

We need couples who would actually show these things without fear of it ending in tears because it actually won’t. As such, if you see people happy and posting their pictures and telling you how beautiful life has been for them, before you question whether they are happy or not, celebrate and possess your possession before your thoughts possess something else for you. People are genuinely happy. You might have seen something different in your life but you can actually choose to write your own story of love and secure your  happiness.

Read If Every Day was Valentine

Finally, if you’re in a relationship and scared to flaunt your partner (not because it’s not your thing but) because you think it would end in tears, ask yourself first if that’s the plan. If it’s not the plan, you should read our article here on how PDA is scriptural. Flaunting your partner is one sign of a happy relationship (although it happens otherwise too). You must know that you can be happy in your relationship and it truly depends on you.

How to Handle Sexual Urges Before Marriage

When I was growing, I used to like this meat pie from Mr. Biggs. I would buy it everyday and I didn’t mind trekking to Mr. Biggs on Oregun road to buy it. I bought it too after church. I bought it for so long with stolen money from my dad’s suit. Ahhh. I took my dad’s money a lot! It was norm for me to just enter his room, go to his suits and check his pockets for money and guess what?

Each time I went to the suit, I always find money in it and I took them for so long and my dad never talked or ask who was taking his money. But he kept putting it there. And I kept taking it.

I thought I had hacked that art of stealing from your dad without him remembering or saying anything about it. I thought it was manna from Heaven. Judge me, whatever, I’m a changed person now.😂

One day, I misplaced the change I got from the woman who sold bread two houses away. My dad had sent me 100 bread and I misplaced the 100 change. I got home before realizing.

I ran back to the woman crying to her to come and help me beg my daddy that he would beat me (for 100?!😭) and I was crying so much the old woman had to follow me home and climb all those stairs to beg my dad.

I had never misplaced money from my dad so I didn’t know how he would react but I knew it wasn’t a good one.

 

“Ah. E filed e ma worry? Is that why you came? Ahhh. Ko le to yennnn?”

And the woman left. My dad felt so embarrassed and kept asking me why I would think he would beat me for misplacing his money.

“Have I ever beaten you for misplacing money? Even breaking plates? Why did you have to bring her?”

“Even my money that you’ve been taking from my suits, have I said anything? You think I don’t know?”

 

God has put sexual urges in us for a reason. He had made us physically attracted to the opposite sex for a reason. He purposely made it so. 

(If you don’t feel like that, I don’t know what to tell you, lol.) It’s okay if you find them attractive. You are not less spiritual and your prayer life is not in shambles. You dey alright.

But you know, He wanted you to enjoy it in marriage with that person you get to tie the knot with.

 

Ahhh😭😭😭

He knew!!!

“I kept the money there everyday for you. The money was for you people so that when I’m not around and you need to get something, you won’t be stranded.”

This was the shocker. So, the money was mine all these while and I was stealing it? You mean to say it’s mine but I was trying to cut corners to have it?

So each time you try to “do it” before marriage, you’re stealing something that already belongs to you but for a certain time. 

My dad kept the money in his suits so we could have it when we were stranded or needed to get something and he wasn’t around.

Same way God put all those sexual urges for us to act on when we’re married and in the right time to put all our skills to work.🌚

[5/19, 9:31 PM] Adeolami: Now, you’ve stolen it for so long and now it’s like you’re losing it. You almost reach through to him and remember you’ve failed Him and so you run back and try to reach Him through people.

You’re listening to messages, reading books and maybe even going to church but again, God wants to shut these things out and call you into depth with Him. Now, He wants to meet with you.

“Why do you have to reach me through someone? Come up hither. I know of all your other wrong deeds but did I kill you?”

[5/19, 9:31 PM] Adeolami: Why steal it when you can wait and get it ALL? I mean, it’s for you. God won’t collect back your sexual urges and abilities and the hot things you feel like doing now now.

It’s going to always be your own, innit?😂

But what happens when you’ve stolen it already? He says “When you were stealing it all these while, did I strike you dead? Why did you think that now that you’ve lost it, I’d disown you?”

[5/19, 9:31 PM] Adeolami: It’s the same with whatever thing it is you think you’ve failed God on.

Stop running away. He wants to talk to you. The moment He tells you about the “appointed time”, you’d be more than happy you waited.

How do you not steal these things? Walk in the Spirit. Don’t shut out the Spirit. Hold on to what God has told you. It’s for you, but it’s for an appointed time. Spend time with the person that put the sexual kini there.

[5/19, 9:31 PM] Adeolami: It’s just like finishing the plantain before you finish frying.😂

But, Bola, if you finish frying the plantain, it’s yours to eat with the beans?🌚👀. Nobody will share it with you abi? Gbam.

If you’ve started stealing it, stop stealing it. The one you’ve stolen is okay. It’s not until they strike you dead nau (lol no, God won’t). But really, you can stop. It might not stop immediately you decide to stop but if you see the reasons why you should, you would.

 

To coonclude, you should not miss the crux of the matter, so here is a quick summary.

1. Stop stealing. Wait for the plantain to finish frying

2. If you’ve stolen, God knows and He still wants a relationship and wants to guide you.

3. If hand dey scratch you to steal, go and marry. We dey your back. If you are in a relationship, sexual urges will definitely come. If the thing catch you too much, Brother Paul said we should go and marry.

No too think am. If you see say you’re body no dey cooperate, put the ring on it. By that time, your body go _kule_.😂

God wants us to “Do it”. He’s even looking forward to it but He’s alarm is set on the right time in marriage.  If you no wan marry, baff with cold water.🌚

From God’s heart to you, He added also that He loves you! He wants to hear from you again!❤️🥺

Majoring so much on avoiding pre-marital sex as a key to having a successful marriage is to have your priorities mixed up.

If you study scriptures properly, you will guard against and flee fornication. 1st Corinthians 6:18 KJV says
[18] Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

However your greater emphasis should not be to achieve the short term results of avoiding such indiscipline before marriage. There are other lusts that will emerge after you tie the knots. Thus, many develop strange habits after the wedding, during marriage. So rather than focus on the premarital abstinence only, let couples groom themselves in developing the christian character called Self- Control. It is the virtue which delays immediate gratification for a more noble cause.

Focus here, will be on appetites generally- rage, food, leisure, sex, gists, sleep ..

When you do this, you build a total man not just a pre-marital hero who might just be postponing the evil day!

 Wait. Sex is good as long as it begins from the wedding night. Sex is food for marriage and not appetizer or small chops for a relationship or courtship.You are valuable, so zip up.

Galatians 5:22-25[ tells us that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, [23] Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. [24] And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. [25] If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

4 Tips for Effective Communication in Your Relationship

What is Communication?

In its literal form, communication means sending and receiving information. According to the Merriam Webster dictionary- “communication is a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior”. It is also the exchange of information. From these definitions, one can say that this act of communicating involves two parties and whatever information there is to be passed across.

 

Communication in a relationship involves two people (the couple) and whatever it is that they are talking about. In a relationship, there are specifications as to how communication should look like but the most important of them all is that it must be positive and progressive. This doesn’t mean that couples will not get to disagree on issues or that all their communication should be based on lovey-dovey talks. It however means that no matter how much they disagree on some certain matters pertaining to their relationship and life, they must make sure they understand the best communication style, make use of it while communicating and get positive and progressive results.

 

Communication can take different forms as stated in the Merriam Webster dictionary - the use of signs, symbols and or behavior. The major types of communication are the Verbal and the Non-verbal communication types and this two are really essential for couples in a relationship to understand. There is a crucial need for couples to understand each other, the different types of communication and the mood during communication. That way,  messages will not be passed or received in the wrong way. 

Communication is the heart and life of a healthy relationship and your choice of communication style can be the biggest bio-hazard to your relationship. As mentioned above, there are many things to consider in building effective communication with your partner but the most important is to make sure that no matter the way or communication style you choose, you must always reach a positive and progressive point or conclusion.

Verbal and Non-verbal Communication.

Verbal and non-verbal communication goes hand in hand and there is a need to understand both communication types. As couples, you and your partner should not ‘talk at’ each other but ‘talk with’ each other. Whenever you set out to have a conversation with your partner, it is essential that you do not only listen to the words that they speak but also to their facial expressions and body language at that moment. Remember that “action speaks louder than words ”. Your partner may say to you, ‘I love you’ in a very flat tone, but if you take time to notice his or her facial expression at that moment, one might be able to understand better what is meant.

In a situation where couples talk at each other, there would be many problems. This is because, instead of listening to one another, both parties will try to make their points thus resulting in a waste of time and effort. Also,  the couple will have to go over the same issues time and time again. If at all you are going to discuss certain issues with your partner, it is essential that you give it your all and do everything right to make sure that the communication is effective and something positive comes out of it. Remember, couples should stop talking at each other and start talking with each other.

Now that we have discussed communication types in relationships and what communication with our partner is supposed to look like, let's dig deeper into how effective communication can be achieved between individuals in a relationship. 

The reason behind lack of communication varies from couple to couple.

Sometimes the stress of work makes a person withdraw, become more reserved, touch, and easily irritated to the extent that they would not like to discuss anything with their partners; they would rather be left alone to try to figure things out. The more couples try to figure things out on their own the more the situation might get worse because being in a relationship makes your partner another you and like the common saying "two heads are better than one" so it is better to share your thoughts with your partner than to keep it to yourself than gradually become a angry person.

Research has shown that couples that communicate effectively in their relationship tend to do better in every part of their life than couples that communicate Ineffectively. Why? Because they are able to share their burden with their partner thereby, making it easy to carry.

All couples love to communicate effectively but most of them don't know how to and that is what we would be discussing as stated above.

Most couples try to communicate when they are angry or sad or too happy but it is important to understand that when we are not in our normal or original or calm state we do not make the best decisions therefore there is a need to make sure that before communicating with our partners we have to be in the right state of mind for communication (i.e we have to be prepared for communication before we start).

Stated below are 4 ways you can have effective communication in your relationship.

1. Be Fully Attentive

One of the biggest mistakes that couples make when they are speaking with their partner is that they do not pay full attention. This causes a lot of issues because they have to talk about the same thing over and over again. Active listening is the key ingredient for effective communication. When you are speaking with your partner there is a need to pay full attention. Try as much as possible to maintain eye contact. Do not play with objects. Avoid vigorous movement of the legs or other parts of the body. Try as much as possible to not interrupt your partner while he or she is talking. This will help you to understand your partner well because you will be able to take note of both their verbal and non-verbal way of communication at that moment and it helps your partner communicate better with you.

2. Communicate Everyday

Except in cases whereby communication is restricted, couples should make sure that they communicate daily There is need for couples to put some time aside everyday to communicate with each other and to catch up with the happenings of the day. This helps the couple to become more intimate. It also helps them to know what is going on in each other's world. By doing this daily and paying full attention in the process they are able to understand each other and are able to build healthier relationships with their partner.

3. Use "I statements" (Be Polite)

It is essential that when we are discussing with our partners we do not allow our emotions to take over us. It is better to speak intentionally and politely to our partner. The use of the  "I statements" when talking with our partner especially when discussing serious issues.

Instead of pushing blames and making it seem like whatever happened was our partners fault, we can make use of "I statements". For instance, "I would like it if you could wash the dishes after we eat" or "I would be happy if you could create more time for us to talk" this sounds better and would have more effect than "You never wash the dishes after we finish eating" or "You never create time for us to talk about important issues".

4. Listen with Focus and Intent

You would agree with me that you would be sad if after pouring your heart out to your partner and telling him or her how you feel about a particular thing in your relationship and you have to come back next week to discuss that same thing. Why? Because your partner only listened at that moment and said "OK! I will change" but he or she did not listen with Focus and Intent. In every relationship, it is essential that while you are communicating with your partner you are intentional and you will hold on to your integrity that when you say Yes, you mean it. If you have to go over the same thing every time it means your partner wasn't focused while you were discussing. This can lead to an unhealthy relationship.

Taking note of points like this is important in building a great relationship. Let’s meet in the comment section and you can also share more ways with me on how we can have effective communication our relationship

Love Is Important

Human beings place importance on different things and the level of importance we place on those things. The level of importance you will attach to something would vary from the level of importance your friend would attach to that same thing.

At a point I asked myself "isn't there something that should be of importance to all humans?" that was when I realised there is actually something that brings us all together when it comes to importance and that is Love. Yes love, I know you might want to argue that even love is not important but I would still say that Love is the single most important thing in the world.

It is the love that you have for a particular thing that would make you want to live your life doing it. It is the love that you have for a particular person that will make you want to live for the person or make sure that the person is comfortable at every point in time. It all boils down to a deep sense of love.

Here in the community we talk about love, how to build a Godly relationship, how to love one another in a way that would help us to have peace and happiness in our lives, homes, families and a lot more.

 

It is good that we build very strong relationships that will help us throughout the year and years to come. But it would not speak well of us if our relationship with our partners and other people is based on the things that are not of importance. That is why you should let your relationship be based on Love.

Love for the person and love for who the person is.

 

Conclusion

To truly love a person is to always think about the person when you are making decisions that concern them. We should learn to build relationships on the right bases, do not build your relationship on the ground of what you can get alone, determine the important things. Do not be willing to take without giving. If you are starting a relationship because of the value of knowledge you get from the person be willing also to give some level of value to that person. In this way you will be able to enjoy the bliss of that relationship.

The 9 Fruits of the Spirit and Your Relationship

The Bible in Galatians 5:22-23 mentions that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These fruits of the spirit are essential elements that prove that we are children of God and that Christ lives in us through the Holy Spirit. The essence of the fruits of the spirit is to hshow us forth as witnesses and evidence of Christ in us as believers. This is why John 15: 2 also tells us that God, the vine dresser, cuts off every branch in Christ that bears no fruit, and every branch that does bear fruit, He prunes to make it even more fruitful.

1. Love

In Matthew 22:35-40, Jesus spoke extensively about love as a requirement for our relationship with people. Love is much more than a feeling of passion for your partner. It also includes an understanding that every other fruit of the spirit is embedded in it. This is why true love will never hurt, backbite, instigate one against another, fight, keep malice or harbour sorrow in the heart. In your relationship, you have to value the love that you share and express it deeply to your partner at every opportunity.

2. Joy

John in his letter to Gaius (3 John 1:3-4).

3. Peace

When we read through Romans 12:18, the Apostle Paul rightly admonishes us saying that as much as possible, we must try to live peaceably with all men and this includes your partner. An example of peace making in this case is that of Abraham and his nephew, Lot. (Genesis 13:8-9). In every relationship, especially as couples, living in peace should not be underrated.

4. Forbearance

God's word again in Luke 17:3-4 instructs us to take heed to yourselves. It specifically says that if your neighbour sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. It also says that if your neighbour sins against you seven times in a day, and comes to you each time in repentance, seeking your forgiveness, then you must forgive him. This kind of forgiveness takes longsuffering. In the words of Apostle Joshua Selman Nimmak, forbearance is giving room and accommodation for an offence to be repeated. While sin should not be tolerated and should be pointed out when it is our responsibility to do so, repeated sin must be patiently forgiven, even if it happens seven times in one day. This is what God does, and this is what He wants us to do.)

In example, Jeremiah was given the task to tell the people of Judah that Babylon was going to take them captive because they refused to repent of their sins. Jeremiah did not give up trying to get them to repent and turn from their wicked ways (Jeremiah 9:1, Jeremiah 38:6). The scroll of the prophecies God had given him was burned and had to be rewritten. Through all this, Jeremiah still tried to turn them from sin.

5. Kindness 

The Bible in the book of Ephesians 4:32 - “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” In 2 Chronicles 22-23, Queen Athaliah took the throne of Judah, murdering all rightful heirs. She unknowingly spared one - a baby named Joash. The former king’s daughter (Jehoshabeath) saved Joash from the slaughter and hid him for 7 years with her husband the high priest (Jehoiada) in the house of the Lord while the usurper queen ruled Judah. They took a risk, putting their lives on the line to show kindness to the little boy. After 7 years, Jehoiada took steps to install Joash as king and get rid of Athaliah. Then, for many years, Jehoiada continued to guide and counsel Joash.

6. Goodness 

Hezekiah (2 Chronicles 29-32) inherited the kingdom from his father who was a very wicked ruler. In his reign, Hezekiah cleansed the temple from neglect and contempt, restoring the true worship of God. He also kept the Passover festival, got rid of pagan worship and stood against the most powerful king at the time, Sennacherib of Assyria, who mocked God. King Josiah in 2 Chronicles 34-35 followed the same pattern as Hezekiah. He inherited the kingdom after two wicked kings destroyed what Hezekiah had put in place. Josiah purged the land again of all the terrible pagan practices. He also found the Book of the Law and became determined to follow it closely.

7. Faithfulness

2 Corinthians 5:7 and Hebrews 11 lists Abraham and Sarah as examples of faithful people who did many things by faith. As partners, you must understand that the fruit of faithfulness will help your belief in God. That way, you can hing on his promises. Faithfulness is a concept that is linked to loyalty and as such, partners must ensure that they are faithful to one another as well as unto God. We shared a few tips about faithfulness at our programme tagged 31 Days in the Triangle in March 2022. You can see the prompts on our Instagram page to follow up on faithfulness with your partner.

8. Gentleness

In Matthew 11:29, Christ said, “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls”. Paul too in 2 Corinthians 10:1 says, “Now I, Paul, myself am pleading with you by the meekness and gentleness of Christ—who in presence am lowly among you, but being absent am bold toward you.” 

9. Self-Control 

In 1st John 2:15-17: “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.”

5 Relationship and Marriage Lessons from Abraham and Sarah

The story of Abraham and Sarah is told through some chapters of the early part of Genesis. It doesn't dwell much on their early stages of marriage but on their later stages of their lives and their marriage. Abraham was a committed servant of God who served, respected and honored God with everything He had all his life. Sarah was his precious wife, who had to go through the rigour and heart breaks, fights and disagreements that might have arose with her inability to bear a child for her husband. We can imagine people calling Sarah "barren", "witch", and other kinds of names. You can also imagine nights so quiet that the couple most especially Sarah had to cry themselves to sleep, for the lack of the voice of a child to fill in the silence. Still, they both continuously served God and obeyed Him. Continuously because if Abraham was the only one serving God without Sarah's support, there would have most likely been problems. Their story includes a time where Sarah and given up on her ability to have children thus, decided to give her slave Hagar as a wife to Abraham with the hope of helping God fulfill His promise of making Abraham a father to.many descendants. The union brought forth Ismael, a son whom God promised greatness because he was Abraham's seed. In our study for today, the story continues to talk about God's promise of a son to Abraham when he was 99 and Sarah was 90.

It was during this encounter God changed both names from Abram to Abraham and from Sarai to Sarah.. covenant names, a signal/proof of God's covenant to them. Their story continues with Abraham and lot his relative parting ways because of disagreements. Then comes Abraham's decision alongside Sarah to lie to Abimelech a king with the fear that he would kill Abraham to take Sarah. Sarah was beautiful even up to their old age - such beauty a king will take interest in her. Abraham and Sarah decides on saying half truth about Sarah being Abraham's sister (she was his half sister - fathered by same person but with different mothers ) and this made Abimelech decide to take Sarah as his wife. Of course God wouldn't accept that and makes it known to the king who finally learns his lesson. Sarah finally is able to conceive and gives birth to Isaac in her old age.

 

That said, here are a few relationship and marriage lessons from the life and marriage of Abraham and Sarah.

Lessons from Abraham and Sarah

1. Marriage is not a Bed of Roses

There are times where disagreements, arguments, fights and different things will come up. At that point it is important to remember that your partner is your team member and not your enermy and work together to make things work.

 

2. Abraham and Sarah worked together. 

We see that in the story that involves the king. It wasn't a good thing to lie but it shows their level of understanding with each other (although you grow in understanding and love)

 

3. It is important to know God's thoughts about a particular situation concerning your relationship and your marriage individually and collectively as it helps to stand firm and hold unto something when all hope is lost.

 

4. Abraham always consoled Sarah, helping her understand that the Creator has plans and that  whatever He says comes to pass.

How to Journey With God In Your Relationship

By wisdom, individuals must learn that courtship is the relationship between believers - a male and a female with the intent of getting married. Wrongship on the other hand is the relationship with an unbeliever.

The best way to begin your journey with God in your relationship is to buy God a Gift. This is to appreciate him for bringing you both together. You can both ask God what He wants. It's simple and He will tell you if you ask.

You should also mark your Relationship. Let there be a token, something notable to mark the beginning of the relationship. I bought my wife back then, a Pink Bible. It was a sign I agreed to give her a Godly experience in the Relationship and  have the Bible as our final authority.

5. Learn Accountability

You must be accountable to someone who should most likely be a mentor you both respect. This is very important as it gives the relationship directions. Relationship is not a secret cult. I feel it's not right to go into a relationship with your pastor not involved. It shows a lack of divine order. We (my wife and I) made up our mind that "if I touch you in this Relationship gbam, we are both free to report to our mentor." Our mentor also once gave my wife an assignment on love, thank God she did it - for 3 years of marriage no fight no arguments.

6. Ask Sincere Questions

You may ask something like "How do you want me to love you?" Jesus himself asked people what they wanted from him. He never assumed and likewise, you should not assume. Asking sincere questions like this will give understanding. I know what my wife wants. Her ear ring may be small. I know her best author. I know she likes some food. I know her best colour. I know she sleeps early. This is called understanding.

6. Understand Fruits of the Spirit

What is your spouse's Dominant Fruit of  the spirit? Abraham's faith, Sarah's meekness or Abigail's peace? You need to find this out. People see love through the dominant fruit of the spirit. For me it's Joy, I just want to be happy. My wife's Peace.

7. Learn the conduct of Royalty

Every kingdom has different conducts. God would have taught these things to every man of purpose. As a man you must be a teacher. You must teach your wife the conduct of your kingdom. Esther was trained before getting married to the king. In some of our churches it might be called foundation school- why we do what we do and how we do it. Adam spoke to Eve about The forbidden fruit. We know it. Submission is submitting to a mission.

8. Joy compass

You need to know what gives your spouse instant joy..you might need to try different name on him/her. Relationship talks makes me happy and my spouse knows the special name that gives me instant joy.

Call your spouse name that touch them deep down. Not just babe..sweetheart.. Honey... God had to change the name of Abram to Abraham. It's allowed in  a covenant Relationship. Also, know that no one must inspire your spouse more than you, nobody on earth.

9. Pray together

If you don't pray together often you will always argue.. You bond with the person you PRAY WITH...PRAY FOR...PRAY TO (GOD).

10. Schedule Fun

If you don't schedule fun, it might not happen, so Schedule Prayer and Schedule Fun.

Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.It will bond your hearts.

Muyiwa Adigun, the popular host of the Muyiwa Adigun Show is a compere, folk musician and an actor. I'm a unique artiste with so many sides but putting my song "Pelumi" into a stage play has given me the platform to give everything I do to my fans on one stage.

 

This article was adapted from the teaching by Mr. Muyiwa Adigun (Director of the popular stage play PELUMI) on the day of the launch of Two Become One- 30th of December, 2018.

 

The Stages in a Relationship

For many people, love often only revolves around romance, and many other simple looking things but in reality, it doesn't end there. A true love relationship takes time to bloom and it takes two to tango. As wild and unpredictable as love can be it is one of the most reliable forces that drives humans everyday. Recognising which stage you are in your relationship can be very helpful to slow down and analyse any aspect of your relationship- where you are and where you want to be.

To some, a standard relationship has 3 stages, while to others relationship has 5 stages, some even say 6 while some say 8. However, all of them have in common the three (3) major stages which are: The Honeymoon, The Crisis and Blissful Love. The reason why just the 3 stages are not always discussed alone is because inbetween those three (3) major stages, there are other things that happen. 

In this post, we will be discussing 5 stages in a relationship.

Initial Attraction and Chase

This is the first stage of every relationship. In this stage one or both of the individuals find each other very attractive. They begin to notice the shape of their eyes, the begin to notice the way each other walks, the way they talk or smile and lots more. The attracted individual begins to talk about the other person with his or her friends and he or she begins to think more about the other person. This stage also comes with the Chase where probably the guy approches the lady to start a relationship with her. This either followed by a positive answer or negative one depending on if the other person is interested in being in a relationship at that time or with that person.

This stage is filled with fun and flirtatious moments and intentional late night talks.

2. The Honeymoon

This is the stage where all you want to do is to always be with the other person. You feel like you cannot survive a moment without them and you really don't care about each other's fault. All you want to do is be in each other's company and have fun. According to scientist natural chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, are secreted in the brain and all what these chemicals do is to make couples to want to stay together, be sexually connected (not safe), to a level where they start to think about starting a family together. Couples really have to take things slow in this stage because they are not totally in their right mind. Most Hollywood movies show this stage to be the peak of a relationship whereas, it's just the start. The reduction in the hormones being secreted leads to the couple having  doubting thoughts about each other, leading to the next stage. 

3. The Crisis

Reality begins to set in and both partners begin to see each other for who they are. They begin to notice their differences and flaws in this stage. Their differences either tear them apart or bring them closer together. This stage requires a lot of work. Couples either make it or break it depending on how they choose to solve the problems. To be in a safe relationship couples must reach a compromise and choose to communicate effectively. This might include them trying new things together, taking a walk, spending more time together to listen and communicate well so that both individuals can take note of each others needs and try to meet them. 

4. Stability and Commitment

 where both parties already know how to work through their differences without trying to control or change each other instead they try to respect each other's boundaries and make each other feel safe  whether or not they're together. This leads to both partners commiting to each other. At this stage most couples start to think about getting engaged or getting married. They have learnt to get along with each other without getting bossy or yelling at each other. At this stage both partners have learnt to put each other first when they are planning anything. They also choose to listen to each others views about a particular topic even when they know what to do. This makes them feel safe with each other. 

Blissful Love

The best way to keep a relationship is for both individuals to make sure that they keep the relationship till the last stage. This final stage is like the ultimate price or reward of a relationship that one can get. The blissful love stage happens to be not only the last stage but a stage that occurs for life. Here both partners are at the point where people say they have TRUE LOVE. They have experienced life, sadness, joy, pain, hurt and they have been able to work through everything together. In this stage couples not only want to spend their time together but they have allowed their love to flow into other parts of their life where they start a project together volunteer, pick up hobbies to do together. Some couples might choose to help other couples grow using their experience.

Note: These stages do not occur in the same sequence for all couples while for some they have to revisit some stages for better growth and deeper love. The importance of knowing the stages is to help you and your partner know how to stand together as a team having it in mind that you are heading to the last stage.

Managing Exes in Your Relationship

Today’s blog is all about managing exes in your relationship. It is really annoying to have people form your past bring back memories that you have taken your all to put behind you. When you have a partner, who has his or her ex coming back to be unnecessarily friendly with your partner, it could raise a lot of dust in your relationship and can cause even you to become an ex if the issue cannot be solved.

When we talk about exes, there is a need to know what caused the break up in the first place: it could’ve been that the previous relationship was toxic or both partners decided breakup the relationship on a mutual base. It might have been due to genotype issues or family issues. Whatever it maybe, there is a need to know what caused the breakup. When we know what the problem was, we would know how to handle the ex.

Even in this age, we have people who think having an ex is bad, but the truth is that is not bad. Having an ex or exes doesn’t make you the worst person on earth, maybe luck hasn’t been on your side. Never judge a person by the number of people they have been in a relationship with.

Things happen in different relationships that cause break up, but it is good to make sure that the break up is a sharp one; it has to be in clear terms so both parties will be sure that there’s hardly any chance of getting back together especially if one of them is in another relationship. So, if there’s any case of lingering feelings coming back to the surface, you have something to hold on to as a reason for the break up. This is good to avoid further break up on both sides 

 Most people have the wrong notion about exes and this makes them feel like it is a bad thing to ever be in touch with their exes. Being friends with your ex if you left on good terms is good. In cases where the previous relationship was broken up because of physical abuse, it is best to keep away from the each other. That is best so that both parties will keep safe emotionally, psychologically, physically and in all other part of their life. In cases where the abuser will not agree to respect the other person, it will be good to set clear boundaries with the person.

In cases whereby you have moved on, and started a new relationship, it is good and fair to make sure that your new partner knows all about your past. if you have an ex coming back your present partner should know about it. So, the two of you can find the best way to handle it together. If there are cases where by you and your ex had children, or in case of lingering feelings coming to the surface, it is best that you don’t hide it from the person you are looking to date  so they can tell if they can handle it or not. It is best that your present partner or the person you are looking to dating should be someone you can open up to freely and be sure that the two of you can handle the situation maturely. 

In cases where you feel like you cannot tell your partner about your ex and things that happened between you two, you can tell your mentor or coach or someone that can give you a good advice. 

You and your partner should also have a mentor or a coach that you can discuss these things with and you get good advice if you’re not sure you can trust your partner to handle it maturely.

Every person entering into a relationship comes with a bag pack full of their past experiences, fears, hurts and expectations for the future. Patience and effective communication in needed to be able to work on a lot of things together and build a relationship that both partners appreciate. 

See also: Tips for effective communication

Read also

Couple's Gist

How to Know if he or she is the one for You

One of the reasons why some people have not given love a chance is because of the fear of getting into the wrong hands. I am sure you know that one person who has been indifferent relationships but they all ended broken. This happened even when they decided to be serious with their love life and now they go up and down saying to the universe that there is no such thing as true love and thinking to themself that true love only exists in Disney movies.

We shouldn't blame them because we were never in their shoes nor did we experience with them the hurt they went through. They must have hoped and prayed relationship after relationship that the person they were with at the moment was the one for them, their 'last bus stop'. They must have had the happy ones that made them think that all was fine and this time they are doing everything well. But in the blink of an eye, their love wall of Jericho began to crumble again until it fell not to be rebuilt.

If you know this person or people like this and they hold a place in your heart I would say that you share with them today's post. If you are the one just stay with me because today I am going to be letting you know one of the important ways that you would know if the person you are going out with is the one for you. We will be talking about various other points for about a couple of weeks ahead so stay with me as I said.

You are already in this relationship or you are planning to start again but a part of you is scared that this one might go wrong again. Here is one simple way you can know if that person is worth your precious love, time, and attention.

 

"How You Feel with Him or Her."

Most of the time we tend to look at who the person is, what the person does, where the person is in life, what's the person can or cannot do, what drives the person, while we forget to think about how we feel when we are with the person. You will agree with me that with some people you definitely cannot show your true self. When you are with them you are more or less holding your breath. You try to be who you are not and try to laugh at their dry jokes and you do all this hoping that things will get better along the line, that there will be a balance between you both, forgetting that holding your breath for too long would exhaust you.

When you are with that person and you have to become an amoeba that changes shape along with the person's emotions. You definitely can tell that this is not you that will be with your friends or just a random stranger that you just met. My darling, I am sorry to tell you this, but that gentleman or lady is not the one for you.

You need to always be with that person that sees you for who you are and allows you to be the best you can be. Someone that helps you recognize your weakness and strength and help you put them to maximum use. That person that you can be your goofy self with,  laugh with, joke with, pull light pranks on, and have fun with. That person is the one that will make you feel the best you can. Someone that makes you forget the spelling of Pretense.

If you are with that person right now or you are planning to be with that person who may still be in the friend zone right now, I can tell you that you can give it a shot now. All things being equal, should lead to greatness.

 

Conclusion

This is not the only way but one of the best ways to know if he or she is the one for you. It is a very important one at that. 

 

In the last post on how to know if that person is or is not for you, in that post, we discussed paying attention to how he or she makes you feel when you are together or when their thoughts crosses your mind. Most of the time we neglect this part all in the name of “love is blind” or “she would change overtime” but the truth is the moment you  start faking the real you, pay attention, because it is a big red flag.

Although, it is important to pay attention to the way you feel around that person it is also important that you know that this is not the only way to know if that is the person you are supposed to be with. So, today we will be talking about another important thing we need to pay attention to.

 

We are not asking you to be selfish right now. However, you must know that before anyone, it has to be you first, because this process is about you checking if you are compatible with this person and this takes me to the next question.

 

Do Your Values Align?

We were all raised in different environment and under different conditions so you do not expect you and that person to be 100% on the same page. Do not get me wrong it can seem like you and that person you just met a totally on the same page in your first or second even up to the fifth time of meeting and having conversations but you will soon start to realize that even though you love the same football team, you like to eat the same snack, you both like to work in a quiet environment, or maybe you are both indifferent about the kind of environment you carry out your task. There are still some things that you both do not have in common. This thing might not be in form of habits they might be those precious things you take as your core values.

Take for instance you are a lover of God and you cherish having about an hour to listen to God in meditation but due to the environment this new person that you like was brought up, he or she just believes there is a God somewhere that we pray to and that is basically it. This person prays when he wills and attends church on Sundays. You will agree with me that on the spiritual level you are not on the same page.

First things first, I need you not to look at the person as bad because we are a result of our environment. Maybe he or she didn’t have the opportunity you had or due to some things life as fashioned another pattern in the person. Until you are in that person’s shoe do not blame him or her. At the same time you should not just look over something as important as that.

I will not tell you to leave the person or cut all relationship with the person but I would advise that you don’t take an important step as starting a relationship with that person you can start out on a mutual base where you become a friend to the person and from there you discuss more about God do your thing and let the person see you do those things that matter to you.

 

Take note of this ‘do not force your values on someone else. As much as you want a future with that person, do not pressurize him or her into being who he or she is not rather, be the example, the change you want to see and let him or her change at will.’

This act will not only help you to know if you are supposed to proceed into a relationship with this person, it will also help you to see the person on a better level and by doing this you get to know if the person is progressive and ready to learn.

When you take this kind of step, two things can happen, either the person will withdraw from you or the person begins to see reasons in what you do and he or she begins to do these things consciously or unconsciously- which is a good one but I would like to point out that even after the person begins to do those things or begin to see reasons why they should cherish those things that of value to you do not be quick to act because some people can pretend as if they care. So, you really want to be sure that is what it is.

With all these said I would suggest that in all you do, “do unto others what you want them to do to you” So as much as you want to look into the person’s value and how it aligns with yours don't forget to also open yourself to the good values they have so that things can actually balance up.

 

Last week, I really had to let us talk about You and the important role you have to play in the whole relationship process. I must confess it was a great one. Today we are talking about another important way to know if that person is the one for you. 

 

I am sure that you have been with different people at different stages of your life, male and female alike. You have made friends and grown relationships with family members,  some stronger than others,  some are long lost and some are just growing. One thing that is peculiar to all of these relationships is that there was a reason or a season in life that brought you together with these people. 

There are many reasons for you being in a relationship with those friends of yours, but in a more intimate relationship, there is a little difference.

Now is the time to introduce today’s pointer.  Drum roll… 

Do you love him or her for a particular reason? 

Loving (just) because 

It is no longer news that there are a lot of people who love their partner just because he or she is nice enough to share what he has with them.  For some, it is more about their partner’s physical appearance, because she is short (arm rest height) & cute and you think that’s the best reason to love her or start a relationship with her.

Most people just look for the benefits they can or would derive from the relationship,  which should not be. 

We should always have it at the back of our minds that being in a relationship requires a good amount  of selflessness. Can you say you love the person without a reason? 

We should always remember that beauty fades, everyday is not Christmas so when you are looking into starting a relationship with someone, you need to look deeper and look past physical appearances, material gain, monetary gain and pleasure. These things should not be crossed off the list of what you should look for in a person but it should not be the basis of your choosing them.

You should look for other attributes that are more defining about the individual,  is he or she kind, patient,  understanding, progressive and ready to grow and learn,  does your value align? 

 

Do you see a future with him or her (this is a whole post you should wait for). This will help you get a better view at who the person is and you will be able to tell, to a certain extent, if you should start a relationship with him or her. 

I know that you’re a smart and intelligent person, that’s why I’m always eager to come join you at this table to talk about things as important as these. I hope that you have been able to understand that there is more to starting a relationship journey with someone than the peripheral gains.

Always remember, I love you and I can’t wait to join you here again next week to discuss more important things, love, laugh, smile, learn, munch our cookies or popcorn, sip our juice or tea or whatever it may be that you enjoy reading with. 

 

Hello love how are you today?

I hope you have been doing fine.Writing to you today again brings so much joy to my heart and smile to my face, having this little chat with you means so much to me and I hope it does for you too.

Today, we move to the last part of our How to Know If He or She is the one for you series.

It is so funny the way people go into relationship just for the fun of it these days. You see two people together who just want to while away time- how fun is that?

You see that person and you clearly know that there are no chances of you both ending up together as a married couple but you still choose to waste that time investing in what is not going to last- how interesting.

 Lolonyo is not just the community that helps you love but helps you to learn how to love yourself, how to love your partner and how to love others in a godly way. If that is the case let us then take a look at what it means to be in a Godly relationship. If you are with that person and you are considering being with him or her I would like to ask you- with the habits, behaviors and attitudes the person has do you see yourself being with the person at the long run? This is a very important question to ask, because God wants us to make maximum use of our singleness and not spend that time with the person you clearly see no future with probably because of the fun of it or because of the pleasure, money and material things you get from them. 

This question is one that people push over saying “we never can tell if we would end up marrying the person” A lot of people say things happen and no one knows tomorrow but the truth is that you should be with the person that you can see a future with.

If you don’t see a future with that person there’s no point starting a relationship with him or her because not only will you be wasting your time you would also be pouring your energy and resources into the wrong person all to end it after a while.

God intends for us to be in a purposeful relationship. His will is for us to come together not only to love on each other but also to look into the future together, to work on achieving our life purpose and building a kingdom family. 

if you do not see yourself becoming a better version of yourself, you don’t see yourself fulfilling your life purpose with that person, you don’t see yourself parenting with that person then there is no point setting yourself up for the pain.

Taking a stroll back to the beginning of this series:

In part 1 we discussed paying attention to how you feel when you are with the person.

Check: How To Know if He or She is the One For You (Part 1). 

In Part 2 we discussed about value alignment with the person.

Check: How To Know if He or She is the One For You (Part 2)

In part 3 we discussed loving without reason.

Check: How To Know if He or She is the One for You.

Here we are in the last part talking about seeing a future with that person and this is where we end this series.

Disclaimer: in choosing who to be with, there are more things to consider but for the purpose of this series, we will be stopping here.

I hope you were able to learn from this series and I do hope that with this few pointers you would be able to choose the right person.

I would also be glad if you can share with the community more points on how to know if that person is the one for you. Thank you.

Remember, love is beautiful and I love you.